Why ad blocking is bad for the internet.    If you block our ads, we lose revenue, which restricts how we can serve you as a web publication

Ask a 'biblical christian', "How did kangaroos get on the ark?"

Al Bundy Quotes & Married with Children truisms

Print 'um & pass 'um around!   The Home Page

Yo momma so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.

Peg, is there any reason this cactus is where my alarm clock should be?, Al Bundy

Laughter the Best Medicine

Quote Me

 

 

& Remember: Beauty is but a light switch away!

 

So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence.

I'm still giddy with the thought that possibly, just possibly, I might have sat at the same toilet seat as Bob Hope., Al Bundy

Every now and then a guy who drive a Dodge likes to close his eyes and imagine it's a Ferrari., Al Bundy

The opera isn't over until the last heterosexual falls asleep. , Al Bundy

"IS THAT MICHAEL BOLTON SCREAMING 'SILENT NIGHT'?", Al Bundy

"THERE'S THREE THINGS A BUNDY WILL NEVER BE: RICH, A SNITCH, OR REGULAR, , Al Bundy

"THE PERFECT WOMAN HAS THREE BREASTS - ONE ON THE BACK FOR DANCING!", Al Bundy

"I ALWAYS SAID IF I CAME INTO A LITTLE MONEY I'D SPREAD IT AROUND THE COMMUNITY. YOU KNOW, GIVE A LITTLE CHARITY. OF COURSE I ONLY SAID THAT. I'LL PROBABLY SPEND IT ALL ON HOOKERS AND BOOZE!" , Al Bundy

 

Peg, could you get that?  It's probably the 'Homeless?  It could be worse!' Tour., Al Bundy

Peg we've been married for 17 years. Can't we just be friends? , Al Bundy

Now wait a second. My pretty teenage daughter with the brain of a fruit-fly earned a thousand dollars in three nights. Should I be worried?

Come on baby. We've got things to do; eyes to blindfold and babies to make. *

I'm Maharaja Bundy and women with 4 hooters feed me Ding Dongs all day. *

I love you, Peg... Just kidding! *

She's got you shaking like a Frenchman in a thunderstorm. *

Now son, look here, these redwood-trees they're over a thousand years old. I'm gonna cut me one of these down and use for a base for my satellite dish. *

 

 

I like a man who grins when he fights.~ Winston Churchill

I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With An Ugly Woman, But I Sure Woke Up With a Few.

 

Instructions on how to record Satellite Radio on your Satellite TV DVR / Tivo

It must be your mother. Tell her I said 'oink'.

Al "Kelly turn the car on."

Bud "Maybe you should tell her to use the key before she starts rubbing the car"

Al "Bud, you sister isn't that dumb. Pumpkin use the key."

I've got two TV Guides. One on the table and one in the bath-room. I'm rich! *

I would rather sleep in a bunk-bed under Oprah! *

If you want something fixed right, get an ugly guy to do it. *

It never quite the same when you're sober, is it? *

I saw a star in the East. Peg, did you do laundry? *

Well, it beats going to Hawaii with your mother. *

What was I thinking when I said 'I do' ? I'd already had sex with her so I didn't need that again. *

Why go out for milk when you've got a cow at home. *

 

 

                                             

  

 Click the search button for more on America's favorite family

Google

Christina Applegate ( Kelly )   After my dog ate the garlic toast his breath was worse than his bite

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat! -- Will Rogers  How can you tell the difference between a grape and an elephant?

A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

"HOOTERS, HOOTERS - YUM YUM YUM; HOOTERS, HOOTERS - ON A GIRL THAT IS DUMB"

"IF GOD WANTED WOMAN TO BOWL HE WOULD HAVE PLACED THEIR BREASTS ON THEIR BACKS TO GIVE US SOMETHING TO WATCH WHILE WAITING OUR TURN!"

"A MAN IS A MAN ALL OF HIS LIFE, A WOMAN IS ONLY PRETTY UNTIL SHE BECOMES YOUR WIFE."

"JUST SAY NO TO MARRIAGE!!!"

"WOMAN, YOU CAN'T LIVE WITH EM', THE END..."

Hey, Marcy, what's holding the towel up? *

I never wanted to get married, I got married. Never wanted kids, I have 2 of them. Why the hell am I here? *

Remember our motto: We ain't got it. *

Standing here with my loving family, I wonder why I'm running from the axe. *

I'm going back to Chicago; where I only die a little every day. *

Envy me. That's my wife. Those are my kids and I sell womens' shoes. *

Peg, did your mother get so fat she spread across the border? *

I'm not paying for mistakes. I've been doing that since I got married. *

I'd invite you in but instead I think I'll just beat the crap out of you. *

I'm married with children. *

It's only a game if you win but if you lose it's a stinking waste of time. *

 

Diane Jardim Stratton

If God had wanted women to play ball, he would've made them men. *

Guys may come and guys may go, but daddy's always daddy... well, at least until he jumps a freight train. *

I had a dream last night. A big red haired mosquito in tight pants was hovering over me sucking money out of my wallet. *

Only one woman, too much time. *

We're closed and, much like my life, the day is over. *

This is my week off, so pack up, get the kids and I'll see you in a week. *

There's only one dead guy in this mall and you're looking at him. *

Why is it that Elvis is dead but I'm in hell? *

We all have to live with our disappointments... I have to sleep with mine. *

I'm gonna find a real man. One who likes girls and hates women. *

Something sinister's going on so I know a woman's behind it. *

There's two things that the Bundy's don't do. We don't eat vegatables and we don't tap. *

Life didn't pass me by, it sat on my head. *

Marry a redhead! *

I'm so hungry I could eat a horse. Since I'm not home, I won't have to. *

Love is not only blind but stupid. *

Computers and women are ruining the country. *

Dead men don't wake up yelling 'don't'. *

If you want to have sex, the kids have to leave, and if you want it to be good, you'll have to leave. *

In order for a house to be a home, only one can make the rules. *

Threats don't work on me... I've already been to hell. *

How would I know, I never look at you! *

Look at your mother, you've got her so worried she's looking every bit her 50 years. *

Go away, Peg! *

Peg, I suspect your mind, much like the lost continent of Atlantis, no longer appears on any map. *

I'd rather dive off the Sears Tower head first into a thumbtack or bait a crocodile with my manhood... *

Here comes our baby now. Let's call him Insano. *

Not quite as old as the hair on your legs... *

Great Ceasar's ghost! *

I'm so upset I can hardly eat this sandwich. *

I would like to plant a shovel right between her barren eyes. *

You see kids, it was a dream and you were replaced by two six-packs in the refrigerator. *

I hate those tests. They are designed to bury men. *

If he slept with you, he's the stupidest man on earth. *

Run like Mexican water through a first-time tourist. *

Telling Al Bundy is just like telling the wind. *

I blame it on TV myself. *

You give him a bottle of redeye and a Playboy and he'll marry your mother to a cow. *

What's five million years in the scheme of the life of one man? *

This cheese means more to me than both your lives. *

Peg, when you married me, was it pre-meditated or a drive-by marriage. *

Home, work, can a man have too much fun? *

Kelly, it's not that we don't believe you. It's just that we don't believe in love. *

I will show him the same kind of respect that any father would show a 41 year old man who dates his teenage daughter. *

Am I truly nothing? Could the neighborhood children be right? *

We could always have another daughter, but as we both know, this is the car I'm going to have the rest of my life. *

Oh. life is good! But not for me... *

White crosses, sunlight... nothing works on you anymore does it? *

Soon our mouths will be alive with dead animals of every race and religion. *

You've desecrated the toilet I call home! *

I don't know what we're put on this planet to do but we're here damn it! *

You might be wondering what a 25 year old millionaire is doing with a 18 year old daughter? *

My wheenies have been exposed! *

What's for dinner tonight in the slammer, guys? *

I was driving home... God knows why? *

Gee, none of my family was of any help to me, how unusual. *

Lousy, red-headed, life-sucking moskito! *

Except for the day before the day I met you, this is the happiest day of my life. *

Lets go! Last one to your house gets to sit next to my wife! *

Oh mighty one in the heavens who created the mountains, the seas and beer... *

I don't HAVE to go to sleep after sex. I WANT to go to sleep after sex. I welcome the darkness. *

Begone jackals! *

Yo! I'm broke! *

I'm sorry Peg. I saw some underwear I just had to have. *

How proud can a father be? *

Now wait a second. My pretty teenage daughter with the brain of a fruit-fly earned a thousand dollars in three nights. Should I be worried? *

Say goodnight, super-fly! *

Stand back pumpkin. He's just about to pop and I don't want teeth and eyes all over you. *

I'll get that money even if I'll have to dance naked in the streets! *

I'm a living example of how the brain really doesn't need blood to work. *

Hey, everything looks like noodles in here! *

They call me Flipper... Flipper... *

Seems like I do what I was knowing then, boy. *

This table will self-destruct in 5 seconds... *

I'll hold him down and you'll take his wallet. *

Are they gonna find US with our legs up in the air? *

Now kids, we're not here to attack each other. We're here to attack the baby. *

I don't know... The last thing I remember a fryingpan bounced of my head. *

I wouldn't rub your feet if a genee popped out of them. *

Kids take a good long look. This is worth a thousand condom commercials. *

Kids, don't look back. We'll all be salt. *

Where's my remote control !?! *

I'm afraid I may not know what cool is anymore. *

Al Bundy is back!!! *

Oh, look at the starving children. Woah man, now we're having fun! *

You may as well bore me with your problems... *

Of cause my present lack of fait is understandable since your average parking meter makes more a day than I do. *

It's showbusiness. You don't need talent OR brain. *

I left high-school, lost the will to live and here I am... *

May the shoe-business take you all! * I'm married to a woman named................something. *

Peg, you know I warned you before about touching me. *

Marcy, the part with the cups goes in front. *

I'm gonna give this to the only one I truly love... me! *

Laugh at this, hyenas! *

There is so much that I wanna say to you but there's a show coming on that I wanna watch. *

Why doesn't the world die? *

I want my TV Guide!!! *

The only power I sensed was that of the mighty forces unleashed by beans. *

Please, Peg, if you have any feelings for me, don't make me make love to you. *

I've learned to live on plack. *

Greetings vultures! Your meal-ticket is here. *

...and no-one understands why I scream on the way home... *

A man's home is his coffin. *

Don't let these slits on my wrists fool you. *

Health people are like dinosaurs. They're not fit to survive. *

Anything that's good enough for the cockroach is good enough for my family. *

I'm hungry enough to block a colon. *

You can spend some quality-time at the news-stand reading dirty magazines. *

Don't call me a TV in my own home! *

Honey... you're an idiot! *

A stallion like me only comes around once a year. *

Oh, if only a man could have two wives. *

Milwaukee. That's the town they build around you mother isn't it, Peg? *

Wait a minute, I think I've just had a vision! *

I see you're all looking at me a bit differently now. *

None today! Tomorrow, twice as much! *

This is not a recorded message. I'm a human being, damn it! *

I begged for the death-penalty but they insisted that I'd learn a lesson. *

I work in a shoe-store and still I'm not happy to come home. *

You go home and tell your daddy you have the mail-man's eyes. *

Don't look at me, I'm blind from hunger. *

Put your feet up folks, it's getting pretty deep in here. *

The last thing a guy wants to look at at the end of the day is a woman. *

How about if I get my gun and shoot you with a nice silver bullet. *

No-one can resist a shoe-salesman. *

I'm the only guy in the world who has to wake up to have a nightmare. *

I deserv to be punished, I married your mother. *

What if I make you a nice licence-plate that says 'I'm a bore' ? *

Pretty good for a guy stupid enough to marry you, huh ? *

Another hallmark moment! *

If I could just help one kid not marry, my job is done. *

I hate to go to sleep with the smell of feet on my hands. *

Revenge... is great! *

Behind every successful man is a woman who didn't marry me. *

Let's bowl! *

Peg, this is your birthday, please don't make me kill you! *

We are blood-Bundys. We are truly doomed. *

I truly, truly want to die! *

Alright now, everybody... shoot me! *

This news is so big I even want the girl to hear it... *

Nothing's to good for me... *

I haven't showered in a week so I think I better get right to bed... *

I miss my couch! *

Don't make me kill you on family-day. *

Let's boogie! *

...who cares, it's free! *

Take me to your finest bathroom! *

Ah, home sweet hell. *

If I was the mailman, I'd be having your wife. *

Christmas is not the time for regrets. That's what anniversaries are for. *

I can't sleep with that damn woman in my bed! *

Back then, mother meant cooking but then gay meant happy. *

I'm born and bred to be a shoeman. *

I'm a shoe man, born and bred, dammit. *

This is a fine mess. She's an idiot and the smart one's mad at us. *

Congratulations Peg, you've just won a trip to Disney Fist. *

I hate my life ... can't eat, can't sleep, can't bury my wife in the backyard. *

That's all I need. Work all day with the Beaver and come home to you. *

I didn't steal your bra! *

Today is the first day of the end of your life. *

Don't look at me, I wasn't even awake. *

The brain doesn't need blood. It just needs to be kept wet. *

People who work putting shoes on fat women who wear dresses should not have 20/20 vision. *

If you need me I'll be at the nudie bar. *

Ok, here's another idea. Let's toss this in the oven and see if it bakes. There's a shoe-salesman in the 23th century. It's called Shoe Trek. *

Peg, you can stab me with knives, you can beat me with clubs, you can make me open my eyes when we're having sex but there's no way on earth you can make me get a second job. *

Let me explain. It's just like an elevator. There's a 2 ton weight limit on those shoes... *

This is a sex free house and by God it will be for the rest of my life. *

I've lived and I've loved... later on I even married. *

You know I never danced unless it was gonna get some sex for me. *

That's a good one, God! *

It's not everyday an uncle dies and the coroner forgets to lock his house. *

It gets better each time as long as it's never with the same woman. *

A man is a man all his life. A woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife. *

Six bucks is too much money to spend on any woman. *

Well, I chalked up some more frequent loser miles today. *

I've got a woman so lame that she actually thinks that when I groan during sex it has anything to do with her. *

Thank god she can't eat me! *

Just say no to marriage. *

Insurance is like marriage. You pay and pay but you never get anything back. *

If dynamite was dangerous, do you think they'd sell it to an idiot like me. *

It's bad enough that I know we're married, do we have to let the whole world know? *

I married you 'til death do us part. So when I'm dead, I'm free to date. *

God, for once I'm actually glad to be home. *

We haven't had any kids in over 10 years. I must be doing something right. *

Oh, Lord, if I ever meant anything to you, please let me fall asleep before she thinks of sex. *

Marriage stinks, have a kid. Kid stinks, have another kid. *

Sure selling shoes is fun. But behind the glamour, it's like any other minimum wage slow death. *

Sorry, Peg, I didn't hear you. I was thinking of killing myself. *

To know me is to love me. *

That's what being a man is like: making mistakes and not caring.

"WOMAN, YOU CAN'T LIVE WITH EM', YOU CAN'T HERD THEM ALL INTO CANADA..."

"GIVE ME BEER OR GIVE ME DEATH! OR GIVE ME BOTH!"

"WITHOUT ANY MEN TO WRONG YOU WOMAN WHERE WOULD THEY GET THOSE DELIGHTFUL STORIES FOR THOSE WONDERFUL MADE-FOR-TV MOVIES?"

"I'M ALMOST A HUMAN BEING, DAMN IT!!!"

"RIGHT NOW I'M GOING TO MY BOSS' MOUNTAIN CABIN TO FISH AND DRINK AND DRINK AND FISH AND SOMETIMES EVEN FISH AND DRINK AND DRINK AND FISH! FOR ONE WEEK I'M GOING TO PRETEND I'M ACTUALLY ALIVE!"

"IF ONLY OPRAH HAD BEEN ON WHEN I SAID 'I DO'..."

"WHAT'S UP IS I WAS KING OF THESE STREETS BEFORE YOU WERE THE GLEAM IN THE EYES OF A COUPLE OF STRANGERS AT AN EAGLES CONCERT!"

"I'M NOT SELLING SHOES FOR THE MONEY. I'M IN IT TO TORTURE FAT WOMAN."

"ANYONE KNOW WHO WAS ELECTED PRESIDENT? WELL, WHO CARES? BUT, WHOEVER YOU ARE, READ MY LIPS: DON'T TAX BEER!!!"

"ON THE GOOD SIDE I GOT HIM TO KNOCK ANOTHER HUNDRED DOLLARS OFF THE CAR. I MEAN WHY PAY FOR SEATBELTS IF YOU DON'T HAVE BRAKES?"

"PEG, YOU HAVE THE LOOK OF A WOMAN WHO JUST SWALLOWED A CANARY!

BERTHA, YOU HAVE THE LOOK OF A WOMAN WHO SWALLOWED A COW WHO SWALLOWED A CANARY!

AND MARCY... YOU LOOK LIKE A CHICKEN."

"YOU GIRLS WANT A LADIES' NIGHT? TRY HAVING IT IN THE KITCHEN COOKING FOR A MAN!"

"IF ONLY MY APPLE GREW AS FAST AS YOUR OPRAH!"

"POLICE? AL BUNDY HERE! I WANT TO REPORT A STOLEN APPLE! NO NOT THE STUPID COMPUTER! I'M TALKING ABOUT A FRUIT!"

"THERE'S A LESSON TO BE LEARNED FROM THIS BUT I'LL BE DAMNED IF I KNOW WHAT IT IS!!!"

"SO THIS IS WHERE THEY WORK THE MAGIC THAT MAKES YOU LOOK 55!"

"GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS! WHO AM I KIDDING? SEA HAGS!!!"

"A FAT WOMAN SLOSHED INTO THE SHOE STORE TODAY. SAID SHE WAS RETAINING WATER. I TOLD HER NOT TO WORRY THE DAM OF CELLULITE SHOULD KEEP US ALL SAFE THE NEXT FEW YEARS!!! NOW, I DON'T KNOW WHEN THEY STARTED LETTING WOMAN CARRY STUN GUNS..."

"A SKINNY WOMAN WITH A HOOKED NOSE OLIVE OILS INTO THE SHOE STORE SAYS 'I WANT SOMETHING TO MAKE ME LOOK SEXY.' I SAY "YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT A LONG TIME BEFORE SOMEONE THAT UGLY COMES IN AND STANDS NEXT TO YOU!!!' NOW, I DON'T KNOW WHEN THEY STARTED LETTING WOMEN CARRY NUNCHUKS..."

A FAT WOMAN CLIP-CLOPS INTO THE SHOE STORE TODAY SAYS 'I WANT SOMETHING I CAN FEEL COMFORTABLE IN ' SO I SAY 'TRY WYOMING!' NOW, I DON'T KNOW WHEN THEY STARTED LETTING WOMEN CARRY CHAINSAWS..."

"THEN THIS WOMAN COMES IN WHO DOESN'T SPEAK ENGLISH. SHE POINTS AT THE SHOES, I POINT AT THE DOOR. SHE POINTS AT THE SKY AND KNESS ME IN THE NAY NAYS!!!"

"MEN ARE DIFFERENT. THEY ARE LONERS, ROGUES, GREAT WHITE HUNTERS LIKE OUR ANCESTOR THE MIGHTY MONKEY. MEN NEED VARIETY. IN FACT WOMEN LIKE US THAT WAY. WOMEN DON'T RESPECT A MAN UNLESS HE CHEATS. THAT'S WHY YOUR MOTHER DOESN'T RESPECT ME."

"TO THINK I HAD A STAKE AND DIDN'T DRIVE IT THROUGH YOUR HEART!"

"I DON'T KNOW, PEG. I'M JUST BABBLING ON LIKE THIS BECAUSE I'M LOOKING AT HER CLEAVAGE!"

"A CUSTOMER WALKS INTO THE SHOE STORE TODAY. A TALL WILLOWY BRUNETTE. SHE SITS DOWN AND ASKS TO TRY ON A PAIR OF SIZE 12 PUMPS. SO I SIT DOWN THERE DOING MY BUSINESS AND I NOTICE SHE'S WEARING A GARTER BELT WHICH I LIKE. ALL THE TIME SHE'S SMILING AT ME. SUDDENLY SHE UNCROSSES HER LEGS LIKE IN 'BASIC INSTINCT'... IT WAS A GUY!!!!!"

"I WOULDN'T RUB YOUR TUSCH IF ROBIN WILLIAMS POPPED OUT OF IT AND OFFERED ME THREE WISHES!!!"

"PLEASE DON'T TOUCH ME ON MY BIRTHDAY!"

"I'M GOING WHERE A MAN BELONGS! ON HIS KNESS IN FRONT OF A FAT WOMAN, ROLLING BACK THE FLESH OF THE ANKLES TRYING TO FIND THE FOOT."

"MARCY! HAVE THE NERVE TO FACE ME WHEN YOU'RE SPEAKING TO ME! WHOOPS YOU ARE! WE GOTTA GET YOU A SIGN SAYS "FRONT" and "BACK"!"

"YOU'RE A TOAD, YOU KNOW THAT JEFFERSON? WHY WOULD I SAY I LOVED A GIRL IF I EVER HAD SEX WITH HER?"

"I GUESS MY CRIES THIS MORNING OF 'IF YOU'RE GONNA TAKE THE CAR PLEASE, PLEASE I BEG YOU PICK ME UP AFTER WORK' WAS A LITTLE VAGUE!"

"HOW DID I GET HOME YOU ASK? WELL, NOT HAVING THE CORRECT CHANGE FOR PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION NOR THE BILLS TO GET THE CORRECT CHANGE NOR THE JOB TO GET THE BILLS TO GET THE CORRECT CHANGE, I GOT A RIDE FROM TWO FINE GENTLEMEN WHO DRIVE THE ROADKILL TRUCK!"

"...THAT WAS A BEAUTIFUL, LOVELY MOVIE. I SAW 22 HOOTERS A BUNCH OF GUYS WERE KILLED, HAD NO STORY AT ALL! IT HAD... IT HAD EVERYTHING."

"MY DODGE DOESN'T HAVE BULLET HOLES! BUT THAT CAN CHANGE IF YOU'RE WILLING TO CRAWL INTO THE TRUNK!"

"SILENCE FELINE BEASTS!! NOW WE'VE BEEN HERE FOR 10 HOURS, AND IN THAT TIME THE TWO OF YOU HAVE ONLY BEEN QUIET TWICE. ONCE WHEN I ASKED WHEN MY LUGGAGE FORGOT TO BE PUT ON THE CAR, AND THE SECOND FOR THE HOUR THAT OPRAH WAS ON WHICH I FIND REMARKABLE SINCE WE DON'T HAVE A T.V.!!!"

"LOOK PEG, IT'S THE CHRISTMAS EPISODE OF PSYCHO DAD!!!"

"BUT PEG, IT'S A CLASSIC. THIS IS THE ONE WHERE YOU FIND OUT HOW HE GOT THE EIGHT REINDEER HEADS ON THE WALLS OF HIS CABIN!!!!"

"THIS COUNTRY HAS BEEN RUN FAR TOO LONG BY PEOPLE WHO KNOW THE ISSUES!!"

"A FAT WOMEN WALKED INTO THE SHOE STORE TODAY. SHE WAS SO FAT, SHE HAD THREE SMALLER WOMEN ORBITING AROUND HER."

"WE HAD A DEAL: NO SEX!!!"

"I JUST RESPECT OTHER MEN'S RIGHT NOT TO TURN TO STONE IN FRONT OF MY STORE!"

"AFTER THE SHOOT I WANNA SHAKE EVERYONE OF YOUR HOOTERS."

"PLEASE DON'T TAKE MY BREASTS AWAY!!!"

..."WELL I WAS SAVING UP FOR A BULLET."

"CHRISTMAS IS A TIME YOU SHOULD SPEND WITH YOUR LOVED ONES... I'D SAY THAT'S TIME ENOUGH. GO AWAY I'M TRYING TO WATCH TV!!!"

"A WOMAN COMES INTO THE SHOE STORE TODAY, SO HUGE SHE'S PROTECTED BY GREENPEACE. SHE ASKED FOR A PAIR OF SIZE 4 SHOES SO I ASKED IF SHE WOULD EAT THEM HERE OR TAKE THEM HOME, AND SHE HAS THE NERVE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT MY PERFORMANCE!"

"SO, IF SOME MOO COW THUNDERS IN HERE WITH A PIE UNDER EACH CHIN i'M NOT SUPPOSED TO ASK HER IF THAT'S THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER SHE'S BELCHIN, SO I KNOW WHETHER TO STAND UP OR SIT?"

"YOU WOULDN'T KNOW THIS BUT IT'S TOUGH OUT THERE FOR THOSE OF US WITHOUT A COUCH GROWING OUT OF OUR BUTTS!"

"A FAT WOMAN GODZILLAS INTO THE SHOE STORE TODAY. ASKS FOR SOMETHING SHE COULD WEAR TO WALK IN THE WOODS. JOKINGLY I SUGGEST SHE WEAR A SIGN THAT SAYS 'DON'T SHOOT! FROM THE FRONT I LOOK HUMAN!'"

"WHAT IS IT PEG? YOUR 'ONE WEEK TO A DEAD HUSBAND' KIT COME IN?"

"10,000 DOLLARS? FOR THAT MONEY I COULD BUY A NEW TV, SATELLITE DISH AND STILL HAVE ENOUGH LEFT TO HAVE THE LOCKS CHANGED SO I CAN WATCH IT IN PEACE"

"10,000 DOLLARS AND A TRIP TO TAHITI FOR HAVING SEX WITH PEG? WELL, IT'S A TOUGHY..."

"I HAD TO GET BY THE DRUG STORE TO GET SOME MARITAL AIDS: BREATH MINTS FOR YOU AND WILD TURKEY FOR ME!!"

0"TRY THE MOON, YOU'LL WEIGH LESS THERE."

"SOME FAVORITE BUNDY SAYINGS:

"GREAT CESARS GHOST!!!"

"I'M NOT GAY!!!"

"GREAT JUMPING HORNY TOADS!!!"

"WE'RE MARRIED, PEG. WE CAN'T BE FRIENDS!"

"SO, THIS GOD PERSON, WHAT DO YOU THINK SHE LOOKS LIKE?"

"TAKE YOUR PRARIE CHICKEN HIDE AND CLUCK OUT OF HERE!"

"EAT SHOE AND DIE!!!"

"MY WIFE IS OUT THERE UNSUPERVISED WITH CREDIT CARDS!!!"

"HELLO? JEFFERSON? YOU BUSY? YOU'RE HAVING SEX WITH MARCY? WHAT IS SHE, HOLDING A GUN? O.K., I'LL WAIT. LET'S GO, LET'S GO!!!"

"I SAY WE KICK SOME COMPUTER BUTT!!!"

"AT LEAST YOU LOOK STUPID."

"MY WIFE BOUGHT THE WRONG BATTERIES AND SINCE I CAN'T EXCHANGE HER, I'D LIKE TO EXCHANGE THESE FOR THESE..."

"I ACTUALLY HEARD GOD LAUGH!!!"

"ALL RIGHT YOU SON OF A WOMAN FROM WANKER!!!"

"MY NAME IS AL BUNDY AND I WAS BORN TO ROCK YOUR WORLD!!!"

"YOU'LL HAVE TO FORGIVE KELLY FOR THAT ALVIN CRACK. PERSONALLY I THINK YOUR VOICE SOUNDS LIKE SIMON.."

"AH, THE SEVENTIES.. THE CLOTHES, THE SHOES, THE MUSIC... AH, DID THEY SUCK!!!"

"AM I NOT PERMITTED TO GROW AS A HUMAN BEING, PEG?"

"THAT'S IT, YOU (BUD AND KELLY) ARE OUT OF THE WILL!! (THINKS FOR A SEC.) SAYS TO HIMSELF, 'WAIT A MINUTE, I WANT THEM TO SUFFER.' I KNOW, I AM PUTTING YOU IN THE WILL!"

"(AL GETS ROBBED AT THE SHOE STORE) GRIFF COMES IN, SEES AL TIED UP AND ASKS 'WHAT HAPPENED?" AL SAYS: "WELL, KATHY IRELAND CAME INTO THE STORE TODAY, TIED ME UP AND WE HAD WILD, PASSIONATE SEX ALL NIGHT." GRIFF SAYS: 'COOL!, SAME THING HAPPENED TO ME!'. JEFFERSON COMES IN AND SAYS: 'AL, GRIFF, WHAT HAPPENED?' GRIFF SAYS: 'WELL, APPARENTLY KATHY IRELAND..." AL 'SHHHAAAATTTAAPPP!!!'"

"WHAT DOES NBC HAVE TO DO WITH TELEVISION?"

"NOTHING GOOD EVER CAME OUT OF WANKER COUNTY, INCLUDING YOUR MOTHER!"

"REMEMBER UNCLE STICKY'S FACE? IT'S WHERE WE USED TO HIDE OUR KEYS."

"MARCY, LET ME EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO YOU. CLUCK, CLUCK, CLUCK."

"WHO PUT THE BATTERIES IN THE ENERGIZER CHICKEN?"

"THIS PROVES A PERSONAL THEORY OF MINE: THE LONGER YOU SUFFER THE GREATER THE REWARD. IT'S HOW THE GODS WORK."

"FOR ONCE I'M NOT AFRAID TO SAY IT: AL BUNDY CAN'T LOSE... CAN'T WIN EITHER!"

"AL BUNDY NEVER SAYS DIE! WELL, HE SAYS DIE HE JUST NEVER DOES."

"LIKE A REAL MAN WOULD USE A TOOTH BRUSH!"

"I'M TAKING THIS TO WHOEVER REGULATES YOU PEOPLE! WHO IS THAT BY THE WAY? ABSOLUTELY... NOONE? WHAT'S THEIR NUMBER? 1-800-BITE ME..."

"TWO GRAND AND THE THREE STOOGES. FOR A DEAD MAN I'M AWFULLY HAPPY."

"THE STOOGES? IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM HOW COME YOU KEEP GETTING YOUR HAIR CUT LIKE MOE?"

"IT'S A SAFE BET THAT BY THIS TIME NEXT YEAR MARCY WILL BE A MEMBER OF THE HAIR CLUB FOR MEN."

AL'S LESSON ON MARKETING BEER:

"FIRST OF ALL: IF IT WASN'T FOR BEER THERE WERE AT LEAST THREE PERSONS WHO PROBABLY WOULDN'T EVEN BE MARRIED: ME, JEFFERSON, AND PROBABLY LISA MARIE PRESLEY.

SECOND: SINCE MEN BUY BEER, ADVERTISERES HAVE TO CATER TO WHAT WE WANT, AND HOLD ON TO YOUR CORN COB PIPE, WE LIKE PRETTY WOMAN. THAT'S WHY PRETTY WOMEN SELL GODD THINGS AND UGLY WOMAN SELL... TENNIS RAQUETS. PRETTY WOMAN CARS, UGLY WOMAN MINI VANS. PRETTY WOMAN MAKE US BUY BEER, UGLY WOMAN MAKE US DRINK BEER!!!

"NO MA'AM HEAVY WEIGHT DIVISION COMPANY HOLT!!! PRESENT BEER BELLIES!!! BOOGIE DOWN!!!"

"JUST BUY ME A NICE HEAD STONE AND WE'LL CALL IT EVEN."

"MARCY, IN THE WORDS OF YOUR OWN PEOPLE: CLUCK NO!!"

"THAT'S WHY GEORGE WASHINGTON CHOPPED DOWN THAT CHERRY TREE AND CALLED IT MACARONI."

"DAMNED GEORGE WASHINGTON, I WISH HE WAS DEAD!!!"

"WHEN DID BEING BORN A MAN BECOME A CRIME?"

"BASEBALL BELONGS TO THE PEOPLE AND THE PEOPLE IS... US! SO, I, AL BIRDIE, SAYS: LET THERE BE BASEBALL, LET THERE BE LIFE!!!"

AL: "WE'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS BASEBALL STRIKE. IT'S AFFECTING THE WAY WE LIVE!"

BOB ROONEY: "YEAH, I HAD TO TAKE MY WIFE TO THE BEAUTY PARLOR!"

SARGENT-AT-ARMS IKE: " I HAD TO TAKE MY WIFE TO THE OPERA!!!"

AL: "I HAD TO TAKE MY WIFE!!!"

"I CONFESS TO KILLING A BUNCH OF PEOPLE AND... UH... EATING THEM."

"LIKE I HAVEN'T SUFFERED ENOUGH."

"AL: LADIES...

MARCY: WE PREFER GYNO-AMERICANS

AL: THEN RHINO AMERICANS IT IS!!!"

"JUST AS A MAN'S EYES MUST ADJUST TO THE LIGHT WHEN HE'S BEEN IN THE DARK SO TOO MUST A MAN'S EYES ADJUST TO HIS WIFE WHEN HE'S BEEN AT THE NUDIE BAR"

"IT MAY SEEM THAT THE NUDIE BAR IS A PLACE WHERE MEN GO TO WATCH SURGICALLY ALTERED HOOTERS SWAY ODDLY TO BAD MUSIC. IN REALITY IT IS A PLACE WHERE MEN GO TO RELAX, UNWIND AND... WATCH SURGICALLY ALTERED HOOTERS SWAY ODDLY TO BAD MUSIC."

"IT'S USUALLY MUCH MORE CIVILIZED IN HERE, BUT WHEN THE TALK TURNS TO HEALTH CARE DAMN IT I BECOME AN ANIMAL!"

"DO YOU THINK MRS. IACOCCA CALLS LEE AND SAYS: 'BEFORE YOU GO INTO THAT BOARD ROOM, WHAT'S THAT CUTE LITTLE NICKNAME YOU HAVE FOR MY ASS?'!!!"

"YOU TWO ARE THE BEST CHILDREN ANY FATHER ACCIDENTALLY EVER HAD!"

"AL: TRY TO IMAGINE JEFFERSON'S WIFE UP THERE NAKED ON THE STAGE! AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, TRY TO IMAGINE JEFFERSON UP THERE NAKED!!

IKE: WHAT IF THAT DOESN'T WORK?"

AL: THEN YOU'RE OUT OF THE CLUB!!!"

"IF A MAN CAN'T STAND A TWO-HOUR TAPE OF 'DR. QUINN - MEDICINE WOMAN' HE'S NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO BE IN NO MA'AM!!!"

"BOB ROONEY: TASTE IN TELEVISION"! T.I.-

AL: SHATTTTTTAP!!"

"REAL MEN DON'T WRITE LETTERS!"

 

"WHEN I THINK OF ALL THE PAIN AND SUFFERING I WENT THROUGH FOR YOU TO BE CONCEIVED!!!"

 

"WE'RE IN WASHINGTON! LET'S TAKE ADVANTAGE OF WHAT IT HAS TO OFFER. GRIFF, CHECK OUT ROOM SERVICE. IKE, FIX THE T.V. SO WE DON'T HAVE TO PAY FOR THE PORN CHANNEL."

 

"SOME BIRD CHIRPS ON MY SIDE OF THE WINDOW EVERY DAY FOR A WEEK AND I'M OVERREACTING BECAUSE I WANT TO PUMP SIX POUNDS OF BUCKSHOT INTO IT'S THREE OUNCE BODY???"

 

"MARCY, DESPITE YOUR ANNOYING FLAPPING OF BOTH WINGS AND LIPS, I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE. I'M HAVING A PROBLEM WITH BIRDS. MAYBE YOU CAN SPEAK TO THEM IN THEIR NATIVE TONGUE..."

 

"I FOUND OUT SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT LAST NIGHT: NEVER TRY TO SNEAK PAST A RABBIT HUTCH WITH AN OWL IN YOUR PANTS."

 

"FINE, I'LL KEEP THE BLEEDING INTERNAL..."

 

"ODD, MY ENTIRE LIFE JUST FLASHED BEFORE MY EYES. THAT ONLY HAPPENS BEFORE..."

 

"IF WE WERE REALLY SINKING DO YOU THINK I COULD LOOK OUT THIS PORT HOLE AND SEE... FFFFIIIISSSSHHHH!!!!!"

 

"I GAVE HIM A CHECK. IT'S NOT GOOD OR TRACEABLE OR ANYTHING."

 

"LOOK PUMPKIN, DADDY GOT MEAT!!!"

 

"I USED TO CALL HER 'PUMPKIN', NO SHE IS ONE."

 

"NICE GIRL. SHE IN THE WRONG HOUSE?"

 

"WOMAN!!! MY ODD SIX!!!"

 

"PEG, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THIS WAS A CRUISE FOR FAT WOMEN?"

 

"THANK YOU FOR BOOKIN ME ON THE TITANIC, PEG!!!"

 

"YOU BEAKED ME!!!"

 

"YOU SEE, THE NEA HAS GIVEN ME MONEY TO MAKE A MOVIE ABOUT MY LIFE. IF YOU WANT TO SEE A MOVIE ABOUT YOUR LIFE, I SUGGEST YOU GO RENT ROOSTER COCKBURN!"

 

"WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO LIGHT A BREAST?"

 

"I CAN'T AFFORD IT SINCE PEG'S MOTHER, A.K.A. FREE WILLY, BEACHED HERSELF UPSTAIRS!!!"

 

"PEG: YOU CAN SAY WHAT YOU WANT ABOUT MY MOTHER...

AL: O.K., SHE'S A BIG PILE OF...

 

"I GOT SOME GOOD NEWS AND I GOT SOME BAD NEWS. THE GOOD NEWS IS TWEETY KNEW MORE THAN 150 WORDS. THE BAD NEWS IS NONE OF THEM WERE "PLEASE DON'T EAT ME."

 

"YOU KNOW I LOVED BUCK MORE THAN I LOVE ANYBODY IN THIS ROOM... WAY, WAY MORE THAN I LOVE ANYBODY IN THIS ROOM!!!"

 

"WOULD BUCK LIKE A LITTLE SHOE UP HIS BLOWHOLE?"

 

AL: "I GOT AN IDEA. HOW ABOUT WE SPLIT UP???"

PEG: "YEAH? THEN?"

AL: "THAT'S IT... WE JUST SPLIT UP!! WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THIS YEARS AGO?"

 

"WHO PUT THE ENERGIZERS IN THE CHICKEN?"

 

"THERE'S ALREADY BEEN ONE FUNERAL IN HERE TONIGHT PAL..."

 

"Oh, it won't kill me, Peg. That's your job!!!"

 

"Burned Beyond Recognition"??? Why can't these bands have cool names like when we were kids? Band like "Nineteen Ten Fruitgum Company"!

 

"If your life was any easier you'd be in an urn in the ground!"

 

"Don't quit your day couch, Peg!"

 

"You do not want Kelly! From the moment she was conceived she has made men's lives miserable. Swaggard, Baker, Kennedy... Kennedy, Kennedy... Swaggard again!!!"

 

"Oh yeah, this could happen."

 

"Well you had a good time, mine pretty much blew chunks."

 

"Is there anybody with a worse job than mine?"

 

"The home shopping network! There's a good idea for women! It was a little too hard driving to the mall with a couch strapped to their ass!!!"

 

"It's amazing! They don't even have gravity in Wanker county but they have the home shopping network!!!"

 

"Marcy's niece? She must be from the unfeathered side of the family!"

 

"This wouldn't be a bad job if people didn't come in here!"

 

"Well, with a name like Leslie I think your a sissy!!!"

 

"He's my son!!! Don't you think I know he stinks?!!"

 

"Stop!!! Daddy's got a new pair of shoes!!!"

 

"Don't eat the croissant!!!"

 

"In ten days we bowl for the championship which means we start intense training! Twinkies, Ding Dongs and Beer are in, protect your bowling arm at all times! Sex before the match is out! ...Unless of course you can keep it secret from the wives."

 

"This is gonna work out great for me except one thing... She's gonna want some sex!"

 

Marcy: "We're having a new addition to our family!"

Al: "Shouldn't you be at home waiting for it to hatch?"

 

Al: "Cut to the left, cut to the left!!! Now!!! Go for the end zone!!!

Bud: "I thought you were looking at cheerleaders."

Al: I am. Damn cameraman's shooting their faces!!!"

 

Marcy: "I am Marcy Darcy here on behalf of the Coalition for the Esthetically Challenged."

Al: "Challenged? I'd say defeated, exciled and left for dead!!!"

 

"Jumping Jehosafat I'm a hunk!!!"

 

"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful."

 

"No problem, I was on my way back to town to get a hernia operation anyway! Can I get anybody else a hundred pounds of anything?"

 

Peg: "If you're gonna come in could you shut the door?"

Al: "If you're gonna live here could you shut your mouth?"

Peg: "You haven't been very nice to my family."

Al: "Neither has nature, go bother it!!!"

 

"They brought the horse trailer. Your mother in there, Peg?"

 

"That's the sound of the axel hitting the ground. That means one of two things. Either Peg's family's in town or everybody in China just jumped off a chair."

 

"Your life is meaningless compared to Hondo!!!"

 

"How about Elmo the Human Surprise, is he coming?"

 

"I welcome death!"

 

"I saw your mother naked and everything went black!!! I think my eyes were trying to protect my heart!!!"

 

Peggy: "Why don't you take us all out for dinner?"

Al: "What the hell, kids, you never wanted to go to college anyway, did you?"

 

"Bud you go to college, I mean you're not going to any parties or getting laid or anything but you go to classes, right?"

"Conqratulations Peg, you've just won a trip to disneyfist!"

 

"Shoes...no kind of life for a man..."

 

Al (praying to God), "was Oprah right? Are you a big fat woman?"

 

"You hate to see me eat, don't you, Peg?"

 

To Kelly, "If daddy gets the (electric)chair, will you sit on his lap one last time?"

 

"Set saaaaiiiil baby!"

 

"Wolf, night, moon, shoes!"

 

"5000 bucks for a Barbie doll ?? A real woman isn't worth that much.."

 

"..show them, as only you can, that the female body is not to be appreciated, but to be feared, reviled, and in the case of most of you, kept totally covered at all times."

 

" Uncle Al, what is retirement?

Al " Retirement is when Woman marries, and Man dies"

 

"It would make a great movie! Better than that damn Columbus. America was already there, it would take a genious to invent a toilet bowl!"

"We didn't break free from that pantsy country England by voting! We did it by throwing their stinkin' tea in our American harbour! And why? Because Americans don't like tea. We like coffee. And Americans don't like wine. We like beer. Ice cold. Ice-cold-best-in-a-bottle-but-fine-any-way-you-can-get-it-belchinIt would make a great movie! Better than that damn Columbus. America was already there, it would take a genious to invent a toilet bowl! wake-up-in-a-pool-of-it-next-day-beer!"

 

"A fat woman came into the shoe store today. Wanted a pair of shoes for a christmas party. I told her to stand on her hands, put a star in her butt and go as the world's largest, ugliest tree!"

 

"The American justice system works! Beat the crap out of people before judges let them go!"

 

Peg: Ooh baby! Is that a nightstickk or are you just happy to see me?

Al: It's a nightstick and I'm not afraid to use it!

 

Al: You'll never guess what I dreamt about at work today!

Peg: Me?

Al: Yes!

Peg: Was I in bed?

Al: Yes! As a matter of fact I'd tied you up!

Peg: Ooh Al, that's so kinky! What were you doing?

Al: Cindy Crawford!!!

 

"Peg: Why don't you ever rock me, Al?

Al: 'Cause I'd rather stone ya.

 

"Prety women make us buy beer. Ugly women make us drink beer."

 

"It's not for the dodge, it's for your mom, peg, look it even comes in her size: astrooooo Vannnnn"

 

"Entertainment for the cave man was simple: Man kill food, woman burn it, giant pterodactyl swoops down chases woman, woman fall in mud. A good laugh is had by all."

 

"Amazing beef: how great the taste o save a slab for me"

 

Fat Woman: "Do you always go to work wearing a suit and smelling like High Karate?"

Al: "No. Do you always go to work wearing curtains and smelling like Mars bars?"

 

AL, (to marcy): "Why did you cross the road!?!??"

 

"My home is my hell!"

 

"Four weddings and a funeral, where's the difference?"

 

Bud: "At my birth I was crying when the doctor hit me. Not like Kelly who said: "harder, harder".

"Religion is a magic device for turning unanswerable questions into unquestionable answers." - Art Gecko

  1. Lawyer Jokes 

  2. Al Bundy  

  3. One Liners  

  4. Blonde Jokes   

  5. Redneck Jokes   

  6. BumperStickers 

  7. Sports  

  8. Elephant Jokes

  9. Clinton   

  10. Politics

  11. Like Life

  12. Life

  13. Life 2

  14. Life 3

  1. 1000's of Famous & Memorable Quotations

  2. Quotes   

  3. Graucho Marx

  4. Will Rogers

  5. W.C. Fields

  6. Mae West Lines  

  7. Einstein Quotes  

  8. Yo Mama

  9. Winston Churchill

  10. Technology Quotes

  11. Passion

  12. Talk Talk

Laughter the Best Medicine 

  1000's of Famous & Memorable Quotations

"If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons ?"