Ask a 'biblical christian', "How did kangaroos get on the ark?"

 

 How can you tell if a blonde has just been using a computer?      

There's white-out on the screen!

Print 'um & pass 'um around!   The Home Page

you might be a redneck you've ever lost your wife in a poker game. 

What does a blonde wear around her neck to attract men?

Her ankles..

Why don't glamorous blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini-skirts?

Because their testicles show!

 Laughter the Best Medicine

Quote Me

Why don't blondes use vibrators?

They chip their teeth.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before. Mae West (1892-1980)

Why don't elephants ride bicycles?

 

 

 

How do you measure a blonde's IQ?

With a tire gauge!

A blonde and a brunette jump off of the Empire State building. Who lands first?

The brunette because the blonde had to stop and ask for directions.

Why did eighteen blondes go to the movies together?

They heard under seventeen weren't admitted!!!

Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?

You can park in the handicap zone.

Why did the blonde get fired from the M & M factory?

She kept throwing out the W's.

What do you call a brunette between two blondes?

An Interpreter.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Are you any relation to your brother Marv?" ~Leon Wood, New Jersey Nets guard, to Steve Albert, Nets TV commentator.

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?

Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Did you hear about the blonde who was sniffing NutraSweet?

She thought it was diet coke.

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.~ Casey Stengel

 

A blonde Paintjob

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.

He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok.

She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing.

She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

Full Length Comedy DVDs from Amazon

The Joke Book Store

.. 80 Joke Books

How do you make a blonde laugh on Sunday?

You tell her a joke on Thursday!

Why don't blondes like the S.A.T.?

It's too difficult to spell.

Why do blondes write TGIF on their shoes?

So they remember 'Toe Goes in First'

Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid?

They can't get all that water in the little package.

 /td> Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels?

More head-room.

Two blondes were driving to Disneyland when they saw a sign that read, "Disneyland Left"

so they turned around and went home.

How does a blonde turn on the light after sex?

She opens the car door.

Why did the blonde stare at the carton of Orange Juice?

It said 'concentrate'

Why did the blonde dye her hair red?

Instant intelligence!

Why do blondes have vaginas?

So guys will talk to them at parties.

 What do you call a blonde wearing a leather jacket on a motorcycle?

Rebel without a clue.

Why do blondes hate M&Ms?

They're too hard to peel.

 

 Full Length Comedy DVDs from Amazon

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." - Dean Martin

I've got two TV Guides. One on the table and one in the bath-room.  I'm rich! ~>Al Bundy

"George Bush recently said the he believes in global warming .. as a result,  now I'm not sure" ~ Lewis Black, December 2007

I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With An Ugly Woman, But I Sure Woke Up With a Few.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. ~ Mae West

.Political Jokes    Graucho Marx Quotes   Elephant Jokes    Lawyer Jokes   Tobacco is No Joke

What do a blonde and a burnt out light bulb have in common?

One's just as bright as the other!

Why'd the blonde bury her driver's license?

Because it had expired!

What do you call a brunette and two blondes standing on a corner?

Regular price, four bucks, four bucks

What do blondes and McDonald's have in common?

Over five billion served!

Why don't blondes like audio-books?

There aren't any pictures.

Did you hear about the blonde who was blind for ten years?

It was really sad. One morning she just forgot to open her eyes.

How does a horny guy spell relief?

B-L-O-N-D-E!!!

What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?

You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.

Did you hear about the blonde who thought she discovered that she had a twin sister?

She didn't realize she was looking in a mirror.

How do you keep a blonde entertained indefinitely?

Give her a 'Where's Waldo' book...

What's the first thing a blonde does when you pick her up for a date?

She heads for the backseat of your car!

What's a brunette that smells bad?

A blonde upside down.

What do you call a blonde that just won the lottery?

Easy money!!!

What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?

You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline!

What's the difference between a blonde and a limo?

Not everyone's been in a limo!

What's the difference between a turtle on its back and a blonde on her's?

Nothing. They're both screwed.

Why do blondes like Christmas?

It's the only time they can get gifts without having to lay on their backs!

Why did the blonde become a Muslim?

She thought: "What the hell? I'm on my knees all the time anyway."

Why do blondes wear red lipstick?

Because red means, 'Stop! Wrong hole.'

How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?

By the lipstick on your cucumbers!

Why do blondes use tampons with extra long strings?

So the crabs can go bungee jumping.

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

Pregnant.

What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?

Nothing. They've never met.

Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?

It takes to long too retrain them!

Why don't blondes eat bananas?

They can't find the zipper!

How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?

Fertilized!

Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?

More leg room!

Why is a blonde like a door knob?

Everybody gets a turn!

Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?

Because she's been laid all over the country!

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why did the blonde stop using the pill?

Because it kept falling out.

Did you hear about the blonde who was sniffing nutrasweet?

She thought it was a diet coke.

What do you call a blonde in the snow?

A snow flake.

What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brown?

Artificially intelligent.

How can you tell when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?

The M & M shells are all over the floor.

How many blondes does it take to make a batch of chocolate chip cookies?

100......1 to stir......and 99 to peel the M & M's

What's the difference between a smart blonde and the abominable snowman?

There have been sighting of the snowman.

How does a man get a blonde to marry him?

Tell her she's pregnant.

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?

Gifted

What does a blonde say when she finds out she is pregnant?

"Boy, I hope it's mine!"

Why was the blonde so excited when she finished the jigsaw puzzle in only two months?

The box said three to ten years.

Why did the blonde climb the chair link fence?

So she could see what was on the other side.

 

Blonde on a Horse 8/21/98

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try to throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when......... The Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off!!!

 

 

1. Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?

A: Gifted!

2. Q: How do blonde brain cells die?

A: Alone.

3. Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?

A: Pregnant.

5. Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?

A: Artificial intelligence.

7. Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?

A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!

8. Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?

A: Nothing. They've never met.

9. Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?

A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

10. Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?

A: After a dye job.

11. Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?

A1: She'd just dyed her hair.

A2: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around

too much.

12. Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?

A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.

13. Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?

A: You can park in the handicap zone.

14. Q: What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievment?

A: An IN-body experience!

18. Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?

A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

19. Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?

A: Shine a torch in her ears.

20. Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?

A: It takes too long to retrain them.

21. Q1 How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?

A: There's white-out on the screen.

Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?

A: There's writing on the white-out.

22. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?

A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

24. Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?

A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9.

26. Q: How do you kill a blonde?

A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

27. Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?

A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

28. Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?

A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those

little packages.

30. Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?

A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.

32. Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?

A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.

33. Q: Why do blondes where big hoop earrings?

A: To put their feet through.

35. Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?

A: Because red means stop.

42. Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?

A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"

43. Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?

A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"

44. Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing?

A: She was run over by the zambonis machine.

45. Q: What's a brunette's mating call?

A: Has that blonde gone yet?

A2: When is that blonde bitch going to leave!?

A3: "All the blondes have gone home!"

46: Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?

A: Because they can spell it.

47. Q: Why do blondes like the GST? (GST -- Goods and Services Tax now in

effect in Canada)

A: Because they can spell it.

48. Q: What is 74 to a blonde?

A: 69 plus G.S.T.

49. Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?

A: Toes Go In First.

50. Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?

A: Tits Go In Front.

51. Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?

A: An interpreter.

52. Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?

A: A mental block.

53. Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?

A1: Blow in her ear.

A2: Buy her another beer.

54. Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?

A: "Have another beer."

55. Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?

A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.

56. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?

A1: Introduces themself.

A2: Walks home.

65. Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?

A: Because everybody gets a turn.

A: So they know when to stop having sex!

71. Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?

A: "Thanks for the refill!"

72. Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?

A: Data transfer.

74. Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?

A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering

what she did with her pencil.

75. Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading

her nametag) ?

A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"

76. Q: Why do blondes have more fun?

A1: Because they don't know any better.

A2: They are easier to keep amused.

77. Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?

A1: "What's a lightbulb?"

A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.

A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"

78. Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine?

A: "Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!"

79. Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?

A: A wine cellar.

80. Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?

A: Peroxide.

81. Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?

A: They're doing research on black holes.

85. Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth?

A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine?

86. Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

A: "Are you sure it's mine?"

87. Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?

A: A wind tunnel.

88. Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?

A: A dope ring.

89. Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart

blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill.

Who picks it up?

A1: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus,

the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.

A2: None of them. There is no such thing as Santa Claus, the Tooth

Fairy or a smart blonde and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum

wrapper.

90. Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?

A: To see what was on the other side.

91. Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?

A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

92. Q: Why do blondes take the pill?

A: So they know what day of the week it is.

93. Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?

A: Because it kept falling out.

94. Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?

A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!

95. Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the

ground first?

A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

96. Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?

A: Her IQ goes up!

97. Q: What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde?

A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.

98. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?

A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.

99. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?

A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.

102. Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?

A: Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter.

103. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?

A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".

104. Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?

A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

105. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?

A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.

107. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of

York?

A: The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men.

109. Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?

A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.

110. Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?

A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets.

111. Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?

A: They're both empty from the neck up.

112. Q: What do blondes and spaghetti have in common?

A: They both wriggle when you eat them.

114. Q: What do peroxide blondes and black men have in common?

A: They both have black roots.

116. Q: How do you drown a blonde?

A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.

A2: Don't tell her to swallow.

A3: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

117. Q: Why did the blonde drown in the pool?

A: Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

118. Q: Why do blondes have square boobs?

A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

119. Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?

A1: 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.

A2: Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.

A3: Two...one to make batter and one to peel the M&Ms.

120. Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?

A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.

121. Q: What did the blonde's mom say to her before the blonde's date?

A: If you're not in bed by 12, come home.

122. Q: What's the blonde's cheer?

A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well..

I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."

123. Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?

A: Change.

124. Q: How does a blonde moonwalk?

A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!

126. Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla?

A: Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.

127. Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?

A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."

128. Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?

A: She threw it off a cliff.

129. Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?

A: She drowns it.

130. Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw

puzzle in only 6 months?

A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

131. Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?

A: "Nice tits!"

132. Q: How does a blonde high-5?

A: She smacks herself in the forehead.

133. Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?

A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

135. Q: Why do blondes have legs?

A1: So they don't get stuck to the ground.

A2: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.

A3: So they don't leave trails, like little snails.

138. Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?

A: Flattered.

139. Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives?

A: They always forget the "11" in "9-1-1".

140. Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked

up by "the fuzz"?

A: "No. But I've been swung around by the tits."

141. Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?

A: Frosted Flakes.

142. Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?

A: Frosted Flakes.

143. Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9?

A: A 69 interrupted by a period.

144. Q: What's the difference between a blonde having her period and

a terrorist?

A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

145. Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?

A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

147. Q: Why don't blondes breast feed?

A: Because they always burn their nipples.

148. Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?

A: She kept having affairs with men!

149. Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?

A: To cover up the valve stem.

150. Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?

A: Spot.

151. Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?

A: A Space Invader.

152. Q: What's a blondes' favourite rock group?

A: Air Supply.

153. Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?

A: The back of her head.

154. Q: Why do blondes drive VW's?

A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!

155. Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?

A: Tell them a joke on Friday night!

156. Q: Why did God create blondes?

A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

Q: Why did God create brunettes?

A: Neither could the blondes.

157. Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?

A: Branch Manager.

158. Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?

A: She fell out of the tree.

159. Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?

A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.

A2: So that when they're on the train they can tell

if they're going to work or coming home.

160. Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?

A: A blonde electrician.

161. Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?

A1: So brunettes can remember them.

A2: Because blondes are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.

A3: So men can understand them.

162. Q: Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde?

A: She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children!

163. Q: What do you call a smart blonde?

A1: A golden retriever.

A2: A labrador.

A3: An indicator of a really bad hangover.

164. Q: Why are blondes hurt by people's words?

A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

165. Q: Why do blondes have periods?

A: They deserve them.

167. Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?

A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.

168. Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period?

A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?

169. Q: Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"?

A: She liked to be filled with cream.

170. Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?

A: "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"

171. Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes?

A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.

172. Q: How does a blonde hold her liquor?

A: By the ears.

173. Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip

cookies?

A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

174. Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?

A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetise them.

175. Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?

A: Proofreading.

176. Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?

A: For throwing out the W's.

177. Q: Why did the blonde try to steal a police car?

A: She saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche.

178. Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?

A: Last year's hide and seek champ.

179. Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant?

A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

180. Q: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of

sly pygmies?

A: One's a bunch a cunning runts.

181. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Suez/Panama Canal?

A: One's a busy ditch.

182. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a toilet?

A: A toilet won't follow you around after you use it.

183. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?

A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a

blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."

184. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?

A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

185. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?

A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.

186. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?

A: You take off your shoes before using a trampoline.

187. Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac,

and a blonde?

A: The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?"

The nympho says, "Are you done already?"

The blonde says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

188. Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?

A: Tell her she's pregnant.

Q: What will she ask you?

A: "Is it mine?"

189. Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?

A: An air bag.

191. Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?

A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

192. Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?

A: To turn the blinker off.

193. Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?

A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

194. Q: What is happening when you hear varoom...screech,

varoom...screech, varoom...screech.....?

A: A blonde trying to drive through an intersection with a flashing

red light.

195. Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?

A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.

196. Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to

death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?

A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

197. Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?

A: By the buckle print on her forehead.

198. Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?

A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in

her forehead.

199. Q: What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment?

A: She can't say "No".

200. Q: What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican?

A: Retardo.

201. Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?

A: A visitor.

202. Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?

A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.

203. Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office?

A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses' faces.

204. Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?

A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

205. Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?

A: Perri-air.

206. Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?

A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

207. Q: Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor?

A: She thought it was pregnant because missed a period.

208. Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?

A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!

209. Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?

A: The Air Pump!

210. Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?

A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

211. Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?

A: Because she got an F in sex.

212. Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?

A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

213. Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?

A1: Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!?

A2: I don't know.

R: Neither did she.

214. Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?

A: She missed.

215. Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see

where the sun went ? It finally dawned on her.

216. A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw

a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute,

she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.

On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said

"CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she

had cleaned 43 restrooms.

217. How about the suicide blonde,

she dyed by her own hand.

218. A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette

says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie." The blonde stops,

looks up, and says, "Where?"

219. A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the

wrong way on a one-way street.

Cop: Do you know where you were going?

Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the

people were leaving.

222. A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:

Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!

Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.

Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.

Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.

223. Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of

them decides to call 911:

Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing

a light bulb.

Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?

Blonde: Yes.

Operator: The power in the house in on?

Blonde: Of course.

Operator: And the switch is on?

Blonde: Yes, yes.

Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?

Blonde: No, it's working fine.

Operator: Then what's the problem?

Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and

we all fell and hurt ourselves.

224. What about the blond guy whose wife gave birth to twins?

He wanted to know who the other man was...

225. There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a

redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the

mainlandand estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm

going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got

really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too

tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made

it." I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here

and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more

endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even

got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I

think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten

miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just

in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.

226. This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when

the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull

you finger out, I'll sink?"

227. Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down

and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks

and says "Those arn't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No.

Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguig, and one

half hour later they were both killed by a train.

229. Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of

their Mercedes with a coat hanger.

Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting

to rain and the top is down!

230. A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying

overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over

her. The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that

would've hit me right in the face!!!"

Or: "Good thing that cows don't fly."

231. A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly

Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into

Heaven, you have to pass a test."

"Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy.

"Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter.

The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!"

"That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter

Then She started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me!

Andy tells me..."

232. Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out

a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it

was volume seven of the encyclopaedia...

233. A blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!":

"I don't have to think -- I'm blonde!"

234. A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the

bartender:

Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."

Bartender:"What is a B and C?".

Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."

Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."

Bartender: "What's a G and T?"

Redhead: "Gin and tonic."

Blonde: "I'll have a 15."

Bartender: "What's a 15?"

Blonde: "7 and 7"

235. A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun - they

just don't remember who with.

236. Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw

a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat. The driver

blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like

that that give us a bad name!" To this the other blonde replied "I

know it, and if I knew how to swim I'd go out there and drown her."

237. ... then there was the blonde who started the restaurant with the

slogan "Billions Served - just today"

238. Q. How can you tell that a blonde's having a bad day.

A. She has a tampon tucked behind her ear, and she can't find her

pencil.

239. Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?

A: The rest are hunt'n peckers.

240. Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law?

A: An air bag.

241. Q: Why should you never take a blonde out for coffee?

A: It's too hard to re-train them.

242. Q: What do blondes wear behind their ears to attract men.

A: Their heels.

243. Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?

A: They don't know the route.

244. Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?

A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

245. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?

A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

246. Q: What is foreplay for a blonde?

A: Thirty minutes of begging.

247. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?

A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.

248. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth?

A1: You need a quarter to use the phone.

A2: Only one person can use the phone at once.

250. Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless

Ming vase?

A: "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."

251. Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?

A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

252. Q: How do you plant dope?

A: Bury a blonde.

254. Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?

A: Wave to her.

255. Q: How does a blonde measure his/her IQ?

A: With a tire gauge! (da da dum)

256. Q: How does a blonde get pregnant?

A: And I thought blondes were dumb!

257. Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?

A: A know-it-all bitch.

258. Q: What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a

skinny blonde?

A: One's a phony buck.

259. Q: What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and

a magician?

A: A magician has a cunning array of stunts.

260. Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have?

A: One that never misses a period.

261. Q: What does a blonde think an innuendo is?

A: An Italian suppository.

265. Q: Why was the blonde wearing her sunglasses?

A: She was having sunny periods.

266. Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant?

A: Her feet!

267. Q: How can you tell when a blonde is wearing pantyhose?

A: When she farts, her knees bag.

268. Q: What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?

A: Marriage.

269. Q: How is a blonde like a frying pan?

A: You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.

270. Q: How do you describe the perfect blonde?

A: 3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on.

271. Q: How do you confuse a blonde?

A: You don't. They're born that way.

272. Q: How do ya paralyze a blonde from the neck down?

A: Marry her.

273. Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?

A: The cow fell on her.

274. Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?

A: Bobbing for french fries.

275. Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?

A: She has a checkbook.

276. Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?

A: There is a stamp on it.

277. Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?

A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

278. Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with

PMS?

A: Lipstick.

280. Q: Why do men like blonde jokes??

A: Because they can understand them.

281. Q: Why do blondes like lightning?

A: They think someone is taking their picture.

282. Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a

flat forehead?

A: Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!

283. Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?

A: From eating with forks.

284. Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?

A: From dating blonde men.

286. Q: But why do brunettes take the pill ?

A: Wishful Thinking.

287. Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?

A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

288. Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?

A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.

289. Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?

A1: They can't remember the number.

A2: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.

290. Q: What do you call a blonde touching her toes?

A: A brunette with bad breath.

291. Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?

A: Reservations.

292. Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair?

A: They pull up their pants.

293. Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?

A: Air bubbles.

295. Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian?

A: A waste.

296. Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground?

A: An air mattress.

297. Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?

A: Divorcee'

298. Q: What do you call a hooker and four blondes?

A: Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks,

four bucks.

299. Q: What does a blonde owl say?

A: What, what?

300. Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass?

A: A brain tumor.

301. Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?

A: Two brunettes.

303. Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?

A: To see what was on the other side.

304. Q: Why did they stop doing the "WAVE" at BYU?

A: Too many blondes were drowning.

305. Q: Why did Bush want to send blondes with PMS over to Iraq?

A: They're mad enough to kill and they can retain water.

306. Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?

A: From crawling across the street when the sign said

"DON'T WALK".

307. Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?

A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

308. Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?

A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

309. Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veternarian?

A: Because she loved children.

310. Q: If an blonde and a brunette jumped off a bridge,

who would die first?

A: The brunette -- because the blonde would have to

stop and ask for directions.

311. Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?

A: Grade 4.

312. What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?

A: Third Grade.

314. Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?

A: 144 blondes.

315. Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?

A: Because at 69 they blow a rod...

316. Q: Why won't they hire a blonde pharmacist?

A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

317. Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?

A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.

319. Q: How would a blond punctuate the following?:

"Fun fun fun worry worry worry"

A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!

320. Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?

A: It swells at night.

321. Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm.

She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"

A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

322. Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should

cut it in six or twelve pieces.

A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

325. Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents

occur around the home?

A: She moved.

326. Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?

A: A blonde parade.

327. Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?

A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.

328. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her

husband's car?

A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

329. I told my blonde girlfriend that I was going skeet shooting.

She told me she didn't know how to cook them.

330. A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In

the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor

wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out

"GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would

like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked

to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was

somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said

she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this

down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"

"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying

sod across the street.

331. Did you hear about the blonde who:

1 had more on her body than on her mind?

2 was called "Sanka" because she had no active ingredient in the bean?

3 took an hour to cook Minute Rice?

4 got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?

5 was an M.D. - Mentally Deficient?

6 7 had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs?

8 thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?

9 was told she was a silly puss, but insisted she didn't have a crazy

cat?

10 after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller

girls?

11 went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?

12 brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?

332. Two brunettes and a blonde are in the hospital awaiting the

arrival of their first children. The 1st brunette says, "I just

know I'm going to have a girl, 'cuz I conceived while I was

on my back". The 2nd brunette says, "Mine's going to be a

boy, 'cuz I was on top during conception". The blonde says,

"Uh-oh! I'm going to have a puppy!"

333. There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal

checkups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the

baby concieved ?"

"He was on top ", she replyed.

"You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed.

The second woman was asked the same question.

"I was on top ", was the reply.

"you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.

With this, the third women, a blond, burst into tears.

"Whats the matter ?" asked the doc.

"Am I going to have puppies ?".....

335. Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that "love handles"

referred to her ears?

336. Confucious say; blonde who fly upside down have crack up.

337. At a carwash in Burbank, there were two identical Hondas coming out

at the same time. A beautiful blond woman jumps into one and takes

off, leaving its owner rather perplexed. About three minutes latter,

she reappears at the car wash yelling, "who ripped off my car phone!"

339. Another blonde, another store. She goes over to the deodorant display

and tells the clerk "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband."

"Does he use the ball kind?" enquired the clerk.

"No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms."

342. Blonde Medical Terminology

Anally -- occurring yearly

Artery -- study of paintings

Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria

Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails

Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U

Caesarian section -- district in Rome

Cat scan -- searching for kitty

Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her

Colic -- sheep dog

Coma -- a punctuation mark

Congenital -- friendly

D&C -- where Washington is

Diarrhea -- journal of daily events

Dilate -- to live long

Enema -- not a friend

Fester -- quicker

Fibula -- a small lie

Genital -- non-Jewish

G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game

Grippe -- suitcase

Hangnail -- coathook

Impotent -- distinguished, well known

Intense pain -- torture in a teepee

Labour pain -- got hurt at work

Medical staff -- doctor's cane

Morbid -- higher offer

Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate

Node -- was aware of

Outpatient -- person who had fainted

Pap smear -- fatherhood test

Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis

Post operative -- letter carrier

Protein -- favouring young people

Rectum -- damn near killed 'em

Recovery room -- place to do upholstery

Rheumatic -- amorous

Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf

Secretion -- hiding anything

Seizure -- Roman emperor

Serology -- study of knighthood

Tablet -- small tablet

Terminal illness -- sickness at airport

Tibia -- country in North Africa

Tumour -- an extra pair

Urine -- opposite of you're out

Varicose -- located nearby

Vein -- conceited

343. Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?

A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little

packet.

344. Q: How do you give a blonde a brain transplant?

A: Blow in her ear.

345. Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?

A: To keep her ankles warm.

A2: To keep her neck warm

346. Q: How can you tell a blonde had a bad day?

A: Her tampon is behind her ear and she doesn't know what

she did with her cigarette.

349. Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?

A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)

350. Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?

A: To keep from bruising their ears.

352. Q:

354. Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLONDE WITH A RUNNY NOSE?

A: Full.

355. Imitation of a blonde refuelling..

(Flap hand, blowing air into ears)

356. Q: WHY DON'T BLONDES BREASTFEED THEIR BABIES?

A: It hurts too much when they boil their nipples.

359. Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL 10 BLONDES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE POOL?

A: AIR POCKETs.

360. Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?

A: They're too hard to peel.

361 Q: What did Jimmy Swaggart pay for his prostitute

and her four blonde friends?

A: Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four

bucks.

362. Q: What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain

surgery on a blonde?

A: "Space. The final frontier......"

363. Q: How many blondes does it take to screw the entire

Bengals team?

A: Just One... Boomer Esiason.

364. Q: What's brown and red and black and blue?

A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.

366. Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?

A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.

367. Q: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the

Toronto Maple Leafs?

A: She fell out of the tree.

368 Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?

A: A thought.

369. Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?

A: One.

370. Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ?

A: She didn't know what ONE came first...

373 Q: What do you call a blonde without an asshole?

A: Divorced.

374. A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that

her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and

Shoulders" and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively,

"How do you give shoulders?"

375. Person 1: What's the difference between a blonde and garbage?

Person 2: Garbage gets taken out at least once a week.

Person 1: Wrong. You tie the garbage up before you take it out.

376. Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?

A: Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the

blow dryer!

378 Q: How do you describe 3 prostitutes and a blonde?

A: Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a good night.

379. Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her

lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license?

"Oh, it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!"

381. Q: Why did the blonde fail her drivers license ?

A: She wasn't used to the front seat!

383. Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?

A: She picks up her purse and goes home.

384. Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?

A: The vegetable garden.

385. Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?

A: One.

387. Teller: Why did the blonde move to L.A.?

Blonde: I don't know. Why?

Teller: It was easier to spell.

Blonde: Easier than what?

388. Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?

A: She liked kids...

389 Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon?

A: Far-from-thinkin

390 Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean?

A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.

391 Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?

A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.

392 A: Did you hear about the blonde who dropped out of nursing school?

She was doing great until she found out she would have to perform the

Hymenlick Manuever.

393 Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?

A: She missed the Earth!

394 Q: What do a moped and a blond have in common?

A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.

395. STATE OF OHIO

DEPARTMENT OF INSURANCE

451 HIGH STREET

George Voinovich COLUMBUS, OH 43210 Ralph G. Pacheco

Governor Phone (614) 445-8627 Director

FAX (614) 445-3225

BULLETIN NO. 91-92

------------------

DATE: January 7, 1992

TO: All Ohio Insurance Agents

FROM: Ohio Department of Insurance

SUBJECT: Automobile Dimmer Switches

Pursuant to the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicles Act No. 97-12, all motor

vehicles sold in the State of Ohio after February 15, 1992, will be required

to have the headlight dimmer switch mounted to the floorboard. The dimmer

switch must be mounted in a position accessible to operation by pressing

the switch by the left foot. The switch must be far enough removed from

the left foot pedals to avoid inadvertent operation or pedal confusion.

Included in the above act and beginning June 1, 1992, all other vehicles

with steering column mounted dimmer switches must be retrofitted with a

floorboard mounted dimmer switch of the type described above. The steering

column mounted dimmer switch must be disabled or removed from the vehicle.

Vehicles which have not made this change will fail the forthcoming Ohio

Safety Inspection program which will begin on this date.

It is recognized that this will cause some hardship for the driving public.

However, this change is being made in the interest of public safety. Ohio

DMV Act 92-13 will revert all Ohio motor vehicles to the prevalent dimmer

system in use prior to the influx of foreign market vehicles. A recent

study entitled the "Inflation Sequence in Ohio Nightime Highway Traffic

Accidents" was conducted jointly by the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicles

and the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicle Research. It has shown that

96% of all Ohio nightime highway accidents are caused by a blonde getting

her foot caught in the steering wheel........

396 A blonde and a brunette are skydiving. The brunette jumps out the

plane and pulls the cord - nothing happens. She pulls the emergency

cord and still nothing. The blonde jumps out of the plane and yells

"Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"

397. Q: How can you tell when a blonde rejects a new brain transplant?

A: She sneezes.

 

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