The Clintons are relieved they named their dog "Buddy".

Bill was already tired of Hillary yelling "Cum Spot!!!" ( Buddy RIP)

 

Aside from getting caught, what has Clinton's biggest mistake in the Lewinsky affair?

Not getting Teddy Kennedy to drive her home!

What does Bill say to Hillary after a hour of sex? ..          I'll be home in 20 minutes

Robin Williams, commenting on the Clinton/Lewinsky affair:

"God gave us a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to run one at a time."

 Laughter the Best Medicine

Quote Me

 

 

The head of the state's leading gay-rights group said Hillary Clinton is a disappointment on same-sex marriage.

 Today Bill described her as a disappointment in opposite-sex marriage.

 

 Hillary speaking with Bill .. circa 1997: click button for .mp3

January, 2008: From the late night talk show comedians

Re: Hillary's reported Plastic Surgery: She's so good looking now that Bill hit on her by accident last night.

According to a poll, 60% of Americans saying they would be comfortable with Bill Clinton as a First Husband.

  • 71% of women say they'd be extremely comfortable with him as a second husband.

 

Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!  Graucho

"President Bush fell off of his bike, wound up with cuts and bruises on his chin, his nose and on his upper lip — or as the secret service call it ... Condition Hillary." - Craig Kilborn

Bush-isims   Political Jokes    Graucho Marx Quotes   Elephant Jokes    Lawyer Jokes   Tobacco is No Joke

"When Fascism Comes It Will Be Wrapped In A Flag And Carrying A Cross"~ Ron Paul (quoting Huey Long)

Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up. ~ Robert Frost (1874-1963)

If fascism ever comes to America, it will come wrapped in an American flag. - Huey Long.

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?"

"George Bush recently said the he believes in global warming .. as a result,  now I'm not sure" ~ Lewis Black, December 2007

 

The Joke Book Store

.. 80 Joke Books

 

Bill Clinton was walking around Arkansas with a pair of women's panties hung over his arm.

When asked why, he replied "I'm on the patch."

  • Bill and Al Gore are sitting around in the oval office, shooting the breeze. After a while, as expected, the Lewinsky situation came up.
  • Al says, "You know Bill, I just think we have different mindsets about things. For example, I don't believe in premarital sex. I never slept with Tipper before we got married. How about you?"
  • Clinton paused and thought, then said, "I don't know Al, what was her maiden name again?

The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, you got to admit that each party is worse than the other. The one that's out always looks the best. - Will Rogers

Does anybody know the Washington Post's code name for their Clinton insider-news source?

I'm pretty sure it's not "Deep Throat" ...( for the kids: Deep Throat was the Nixon Insider )

 

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?"

 Wash., D.C.,   May, 1997   Crime Lab 2A-3356N

DNA Test Results: Clinton, William Jefferson

The test on the blue dress came back inconclusive. Everyone in Arkansas has the same DNA.

--A reporter asked Clinton one day, "Was Monica lying?" Clinton responded by saying, "No, she was on her knees."

--As Air Force One prepares to land, the captain makes his customary request over the loudspeaker: "Mr. President, would you please return the stewardess to the upright position and prepare to land."

What were Bill's picks for the Final Four basketball tournament?

A: 1. Moorhead State 2. Ball State 3. Bringham Young  4. Oral Roberts U.

There's a new Bill Clinton computer coming out soon. It will have a hard drive but no memory.

AP - Monica, in a statement released today, countered President Clinton's firm denial

"I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face.

"This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way I know how, head on.

"I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it.

"Thank you."

Laughter .. The Best Medicine

Google

When a man says he had pleasure with a woman he does not mean conversation.

Why can't they prosecute Bill Clinton? Monica swallowed the evidence

Why does Monica Lewinsky have such puffy cheeks? She's withholding evidence.

What's the difference between Clinton and a screwdriver? A screwdriver turns in screws and Clinton screws interns.

Why does Monica refuse to play golf with Bill? Because she's tired of his balls hitting her in the face.

Bill was recently overheard complimenting Monica's appearance. "She's got the whitest teeth I've ever cum across!"

Bill's nickname for Hillary is, "My little buttercup" His nickname for Monica? "My little suctioncup"

What do Monica Lewinsky and Soda Pop machines have in common? They both have slots which say "Insert 'Bill" here."

What will Clinton's presidency be remembered for?

Following Bush.

There's a new Bill Clinton computer coming out soon. It will have a six inch hard drive, but no memory.

Laugh all the way Home

1000's of Famous & Memorable Quotations

Lisa Marie Presley told Rolling Stone magazine that she and Michael Jackson had sex at the beginning of the marriage but then they just stopped. She said she just couldn’t dress up like a Cub Scout anymore. Jay Leno

I'm still giddy with the thought that possibly, just possibly, I might have sat at the same toilet seat as Bob HopeAl Bundy

Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan .. I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.  WC Fields 'My Little Chickadee' (1940 film)

"President Bush fell off his mountain bike down on his ranch in Texas. A couple weeks ago, John Kerry fell off his bicycle. See, doesn't this make you miss President Clinton? That guy, he could ride anything without falling off."  - Jay Leno

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.~ George Stephanopolous  , Clinton's aide speaking on Larry King Live

csmngt Home       Laughter the Best Medicine 

  1000's of Famous & Memorable Quotations

Some of the following were funny.

From the law offices of Johnnie Cochrane, Esquire, here are the top ten proposed closing arguments in the matter of United States v. William J. Clinton:

10. If the dress aint a mess, he won't need to confess

9. The economy's great, let the White Boy skate

8. If the Bitch didn't spit, you must acquit

7. If she is not spread eagle, then it is not illegal

6. Lewinsky's a whore, and Bill's better than Gore

5. So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses

4. He cheats on his wife, but its his personal life

3. Bill can't tell the truth till he sees Ken Starr's proof

2. Bill is not sleazy, Lewinsky's just easy

And the number one closing argument by Johnny Cochrane:

1. If the sex is just oral, it is not really immoral

 

NEW DOLL ON SALE:

CLINOCHIO

 

A : did you sleep with Bill Clinton ?

B : No, did you ?

A : no ! - small world isn't it ?

Did you know that Hillary is writing a new book?

The title is: "it takes a village..... to satisfy my husband."

 

Bill Clinton was walking around the White House with a pair of women's panties hung over his arm. When asked why, he replied"I'm on the patch."

What would Bill Clinton get if he took Viagra?

Taller

I heard that Clinton called Sammy Sosa to congratulate him on his 62nd home run. "How do you do it?," he asked Sosa. "I can only get to third base."

What will Clinton's presidency be remembered for?

Following bush.

 

Former Arizona Rep. Morris Udall's presidential bug was squashed in the Democratic primaries of 1976. Fourteen years later, Udall was asked if he might run again and paraphrased William T. Sherman. "If nominated," the congressman said, "I will run to Mexico; if elected, I will fight extradition."

 

Bold and arrogant, Hercules exclaimed that he was surely the strongest person in the world.

"That may be true", said Sleeping Beauty, "but I am better because I am obviously the most beautiful person in the world".

Don Juan laughed at both of them and said that without a doubt, he must be the greatest person alive simply because he had been with the most women.

After several hours of argument, they decided to consult a Guru for the truth.

First, Hercules went into Guru's cave. A few moments later he came out with a massive grin on his face. The Guru had said that he was, in fact, the strongest person in the world. He was very pleased.

Sleeping beauty came out of the cave with a lovely smile: "It is true! I AM the most beautiful woman in the world!"

Moments later a distraught Don Juan came stomping out of the cave: "Who the hell is Bill Clinton!!???"

 

Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshipper.

The scandal was begun when a 21-year-old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.

Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time", that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was"thrilled to have had his child."

In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship existed", and that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily".

Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know only as the "Wise Men".

Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair.

One word (Hi) Definition for Clinton : Ambisextrous!

 

It looks like the only thing Clinton could do to save himself now is hit 63 home runs.

A recent survey showed that teenagers are much more likely to know Leonardo DiCaprio than Al Gore...

 

What is the difference between Leonardo DiCaprio and Al Gore?

Gore really knows what it is like to go down on a sinking ship.

Who is Clinton's favorite President?

Johnson

Monica walks into the Oval Office one morning. President Clinton looks up and says, "you know, I've liked that dress since I first spotted it."

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"President Bill Clinton"

"President Bill Clinton who?"

"That's right Monica. NOW you can give your testimony."

Hillary Clinton arrives at St. Peter's gate. On the wall are giant clocks. She asks why there are clocks in eternity. She is told the clocks measure adultery and that every time someone commits adultery the clocks tick forward just a little. She asks to see her husband's clock. St. Peter says, "Because your husband was President of the United States he has the grandest clock of all, but you can't see it because God likes to keep in his room and use it as a fan."

 

Schwartznegger has a big one,

Michael Fox has a small one,

Madonna doesn't have one,

The pope has one but doesn't use it,

Clinton uses his all the time,

what is it?

a last name........ Were you thinking of something else?

Moses was complaining to God that the Ten Commandments didn't seem to cover all the offenses that Clinton was committing. It seemed that another commandment was needed to cover what he was doing. God agreed and said that he would get back to Moses right away.

The next day, God said unto Moses,"Moses, henceforth, there shall be an eleventh commandment: 'Thou shalt not show thy rod to thy staff.'"

 

What help wanted ad did Monica Lewinsky answer?

Be a White House intern, and get a taste of the Presidency!

 

Whats the difference between Clinton and a screw driver?

A screw driver turns in screws and Clinton screws interns.

 

Bill's nickname for Hillary is, "My little buttercup"

His nickname for Monica? "My little suctioncup"

 

Why does Hillary like Buddy the dog better than Bill Clinton?

Because Buddy chases his own tail.

 

Monica was asked by the Democratic Party to make a campaign contribution. She declined, saying that she gave at the office.

 

What did they find on Monica Lewinsky's dress?

A wad of Bill's

 

Why did Clinton bomb the terrorists?

After Monica, he figured he was getting good at bringing people to their knees.

 

The top ten things that Bill Clinton's closest family, friends, and aides wish they hadn't heard him say:

No. 10. "Hillary, it sure would be nice to have a little retirement place out on the White River."

No. 9. "Hillary's worried about what to do with all the money we're gonna' make on Whitewater. I wonder if anybody over at Tyson's knows anything about futures trading!"

No. 8. "Vince Foster's been sniffin' around Hillary again. I wish I had that s.o.b. outa' my hair!"

No. 7. "We oughta' have one or two experienced Republicans to help us run this place. Do we have files on any people we might wanna' talk to?"

No. 6. "Y'know what, Hillary? This place would make one helluva' fine hotel!"

No. 5. "How many reporters do we have to take with us when we travel? There oughta' be a way some of our friends could make a buck or two offa' that!"

No. 4. "Hillary, that damned stack of paper you're hidin' under the bed puts one helluva' lump in the mattress. Get rid of it!"

No. 3. "Tell Al to get off his dead ass and go raise some money in California!"

No. 2. "Our balance of trade with Asia is terrible. There oughta' be a way to get some of that cash flowin' back this way!"

And the number one thing Clinton people wish they hadn't heard him say:

"Hey, Lindsey! Did you see that cute little intern who wears knee pads to work every day? I'll bet she's just dyin' to do somethin' nice for her president!"

 

--Marion, Ohio has a street named Clinton. A friend sitting next to me at the local pub told me that Monica Lewinsky was in Marion yesterday and got lost. "Oh yea?" I replied. "Yes" was his reply...."they found her down on Clinton."

 

-- Al and Bill were discussing pre-marital sex. Al said to Bill, "I never slept with my wife before we were married. Did you?" Bill replied, "I dunno, what was Tipper's maiden name?"

 

--What's the difference between Nike and Clinton? Nike's slogan is "Just Do It." Clinton's is "Just Do Me."

 

--A presidential advisor walks into the daily meeting a little late and notices that everyone has a glum look on their face -- some even look a little frightened -- and Clinton isn't in the room. "What's the matter" he asked

"Well, we had some bad news, and just got some even worse news"

"What's the bad news?"

"India has detonated some atomic weapons at their underground test site; Pakistan has done the same at their proving area; and China is warning them both that this could lead to regional war -- that may go nuclear."

"Oh my God, what could be worse than that?"

"Well, Bill just got hold of some Viagra."

 

--The president and and first lady were touring the heartland. They stopped at a farm and divided into two groups, the first lady in one, the pres. in the other. Hillary was fascinated by the chicken yard as rooster was preforming his "duty". "How often does he do that?", she asked. Ten to tweny times a day the farmer answered. "Please tell Bill about this when he comes by",she told the farmer. As Bill's group passes the chicken yard the rooster is at it again and they stop. The farmer relates Hilary's message, and Bill asks, Is that with only one hen or different hens?. "Different hens" says the farmer. Bill turns to an aide and says "Please give that information to the first lady.

--Bill Clinton should be glad he doesn't have to face the same tangle of problems Richard Nixon faced. Watergate makes Zippergate look medium-sized by comparison.

--Certain aspects of Kenneth Starr's investigation are still incomplete. Just last week, it was learned that President Clinton's personal physician had treated him for minor lacerations on the penis. Starr has now arranged for the President and Monica Lewinsky to be examined by the FBI - Ms. Lewinsky by Forensic Dentistry and the President by Ballistics.

--Madison's legacy was the Bill of Rights; Clinton's legacy will be the Rights of Bill.

--Willie the Whale and his whale girlfriend, Monica, are swimming happily through the ocean when they come upon a boat. On seeing the boat, Willie says, "Hey, I've got a great idea! Let's swim up under that boat and blow out really hard through our blowholes!"

Monica says, "Oh, I don't know..."

"Come on, it'll be fun, come on, just this once!" , says Willie.

Monica agrees and they swim up under the boat and blow out, capsizing the boat and sending hapless sailors into the briny blue.

As they are swimming away, Willie says, "Wow, that was fun, wasn't it? Hey! I've got another idea! Let's swim back there and eat all the sailors!"

To which Monica, exasperated, replies, "Look, I agreed to the blow job, but I'm not swallowing any seamen."

 

--Did you hear that Hillary is looking into first degree murder charges against Monica? It seems that she ate Chelsea's brother!

 

--A few years down the road... Bill Clinton died and arrived at the gate of Hell. The Devil welcomed him in and informed him that he could choose his eternal punishment. As the devil opened the first door, Bill peered in and saw Bill Gates screaming in pain as he was burning at a stake. Bill Clinton said he could not stand that punishment. So the Devil took him to the next door. As the door swung open he saw Rush Limbaugh being pulled to the limit by a rack. Bill cried out that he could not accept that as his punishment. The Devil opened the third door and there was Ken Starr shackled to the wall by his wrists and ankles is the spread eagle position. Below him was Monica Lewinsky fondling his balls. Poor Ken was screaming in pain. Bill cried out "YES, YES, this is the punishment I want for eternal life!!!!!!". The Devil agreed that would be good for Bill. The Devil escorted Bill over and proceded to kick Monica out of the way and told her "Your replacement is here now"!!!!!!!!

--Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for a round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair.

They begin talking and after about five minutes Saddam presses the firstbutton. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clintonon the face. Confused, Clinton carries on talking, as Saddam falls about laughing.

A few minutes later the second button is pressed, and this time a big boot comes out a kicks Clinton in the shin. Again, Saddam laughs,and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue.

But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the balls, he's finally had enough.

"I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clinton's chair and prepares himself for the Yanks revenge.

They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton sniggers.

A few seconds later, he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up,but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter.

When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

"Screw this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"

Clinton says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?!?!?!?!"

 

--Ronald Reagan looked forward to morning in America; Bill Clinton looks forward to moaning in America.

 

--What is Bill Clintons favorite flower? a) Jennifer b) Tulips c) Pussy Willow

--What do you call that spot on Monica's blue dress? A memo from the White House staff, or the Presidential Seal of Approval.

 

--Some ardent supporters of Bill Clinton now accuse Kenneth Starr of doing the same thing to the President that Monica Lewinsky did: delivering blows below the belt.

--Many of us remember so clearly the image of Jimmy Carter sitting in the White House wearing a sweater, the heat turned down to 68 degrees to conserve energy. This would never work today. Judging from the Starr report, President Clinton would have died of exposure.

--What do you call Clinton's zipper? US Open

--I guess Nixon wasn't the only tricky dick in the White House!

--Now that President Clinton is trying to shelve his legal problems so as to concentrate on economics, it's probably a good thing Monica Lewinsky is not around to disturb him. She was never too keen on the subject. Although she supplied what the President demanded, her marginal propensity to consume is, as the blue dress makes clear, marginal.

--In light of continuing contradictions between Clinton's recent statements and his earlier ones, many political observers expect the Monica Lewinsky affair to lead to an impromptu meeting between the President and the Chinese.

--After meeting with spiritual advisers, Bill Clinton has stated he no longer fears death. His hand-picked cadre of ministers have assured him that "Kingdom Come" will be a place of endless orgasm.

--Given Bill's initial reticence about reaching orgasm with Monica, the "comeback kid" is now known as the "come only when I can trust you kid."

--The Democrats have announced they will no longer use the phrase "Family Values" in campaign speeches and publications. They will instead use the phrase "Extended Family Values".

 

--Airhead #1: And now the Republicans are, like, saying Clinton's been splitting hairs and stuff.

Airhead #2: Oh, wow. That is weird!

 

--Bill was so angry at Monica that he told her to "kiss my ass." So she did. (footnote #237)

--Besides his marital problems, President Clinton has also experienced some trouble with his stereo system's loudspeakers. The White House contacted an electronics technician who determined that poor fidelity had resulted in a blown tweeter. He explained that he was able to reduce the tweeter's excitation and excursions by severely choking it. Hillary Clinton must have been impressed by his work. It is said she wants him to come back and help her with a second project.

--Say what you want about Bill, but you have to admit he's a very upright man.

--Monica Lewinsky was under the desk in the Oval Office when a call came in for President Clinton from Saddam Hussein. In later testimony she reported feeling as though she were "between Iraq and a hard place."

--Paula Jones was telling the truth: there is a distinctive mark on Bill Clinton's penis, and Monica Lewinsky has explained in her testimony what it is. It's the symbol that means "kosher". She claims it threw her off guard, adding "It was one weenie I just couldn't pass over."

--It's noteworthy that Bill Clinton made one of his most emotional appeals for forgiveness at a prayer breakfast attended by a cross-section of religious leaders. It apparently wasn't the first time he's started the day off with lots of very different sects.

--If God had concentrated on spin the way Clinton's administration has, the day would have been five minutes long, and on the eighth day, the earth would have fallen into the sun and been vaporized.

--A person is talking to Bill Clinton on the phone in the Oval Office. "What is that I can hear in the background," the caller asks, "it sounds like a Mouth Organ." "It's OK, says Bill, it is just Our Monica."

--Groucho Marx once got into trouble for saying, "I love my cigar, but I take it out sometimes." Bill Clinton has gotten into a bit more trouble by saying, "I love my cigar when I've left it in for some time."

--With all that's come out lately, it's amazing that 60% of Americans are standing behind their President. I worry about the other 40%. I for one wouldn't want to be standing in front of him!

--The Starr report mentions that on one occasion President Clinton attempted to perform oral sex on Ms. Lewinsky but was spurned by her for a "physical reason". This vague passage has led to speculation that quick thinking on her part may have saved the President from a charge of de-tamponing with a witness.

--It's a good thing the Starr report isn't bowdlerized like the Watergate tape transcripts, where half the text reads "expletive deleted". If it were, each of Monica Lewinsky's visits to the Oval Office would be reduced to "ejaculate depleted".

--The White House has announced that the corridor outside the Oval Office study has now been officially named the "Clinton Hall of Dames".

--Everyone forgets that the FBI lab left open a one in 7.87 trillion chance that the famous spot was not put there by the President. His lawyers will capitalize on this uncertainty. I mean, hell, it's got a better chance of being believed than the rest of their cockamamie defense.

--Slick Willy's 11th Commandment? Thou shalt not comfort thy Staff with thy Rod!

--A fellow at the coffee shop said, "Within two weeks of leaving the White House, Bill Clintion will be a free MAN." His friend replied, "Yup, so will Hillary."

--Why did Bill's FDA approve the use of Thalimode earlier this year? Because Bill suffers from moral leprosy.

--Where did Monica Lewinski go to college? Oral Roberts University

--Bottom line on the Starr report: Slick Willy's finally stuck.

--The "R" word is being whispered in the wake of the bombshell Starr report. One possibility would be for Clinton to resign and accept a teaching post at an out-of-the-way university. A likely choice is the Utah campus of Frig 'em Young.

--What's the difference between John F. Kennedy and Bill Clinton? One had his head blown off. The other was assassinated.

--What's the difference between George Washington and Bill Clinton? George Washington was the father of our country. Bill Clinton is the father of your grandchildren.

--Eerie similarities between Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton:

Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh

Clinton: Took on Ho

--What's the difference between Al Gore and Leonardo DiCaprio? Leonardo's sinking ship wasn't real.

--What's the difference between Teddy Roosevelt and Bill Clinton? They both walked softly but only Clinton had someone else take care of his big stick.

--In order to maintain family viewing standards when discussing the Starr report, all three major networks have agreed not to use the rough hewn slang, "blow job," instead, oral copulation will be referred to as a "Slick Willy."

--To the American people, Bill Clinton is the Commander-in-Chief. To Monica Lewinsky, he is the Commander-in-Cheek.

--Time and time again, Monica Lewinsky has stated her case and finally people have listened. When asked what phrase would best describe her attempts, she replied, "If at first you don't suck seed--try, try again."

--Clinton keeps his cigars and much more

 

When visits of State are in store

Mr. Arafat pondered

If his stogie had wandered

From Monica's own humidor

 

--Hillary and Willie had a talk

Of the kitten who wore no socks

He had to confess

That it made quite a mess

"But I never poked I just rocked"

Hillary's Willie faces

An impeachment no one embraces

Willie cried, "We never really did it"

"'Cause she just up and spit it"

On the White House Seal

Through her braces

Willie and Monica wallered

On the White House Seal she was collared

And it left quite a mess

On her pretty blue dress

Had it been love, she'd a swallered

--What's the difference between a screwdriver and Bill Clinton? A screwdriver turns and screws, Clinton screws 'n-turns.'

--Hard pressed to nurse his addiction without creating still more potential witnesses, Bill Clinton is said to be dealing with some really clandestine CIA types these days to arrange the occasional tryst. His regular bodyguards grumble about his new "secret cervix" agents.

--A spokesman for the Clintons has confirmed that, "just to be on the safe side," they have filed papers to adopt their own daughter Chelsea. The uncertainty arose after Hillary Clinton admitted she "may have been on top" the evening their daughter was conceived. According to the definition of "daughter" set forth by Paula Jones' attorneys, it isn't clear whether Chelsea's parents' activities did or did not constitute sex.

--Bill Clinton dies on his birthday and is whisked away to stand before the pearly gates. St. Peter peers intently at his computer screen, an eyebrow raised. "Looks like you've had a thing for the young ladies, Bill." Clinton swallows the lump in his throat. There is silence as St. Peter reads on. After a long pause, he says, "But I see you've finally settled down and behaved yourself for the past year or so." The gates swing open, and Clinton is motioned inside. "By the way," St. Peter adds, "congratulations on your birthday. Not many old codgers ever make it to a hundred and ten."

--Now Monica has that glamour job she's always wanted - in advertising. In her first TV spot, she smiles as she uses a Water Pik, and says, "It gets into places where even the President can't reach!"

--How many Poles can polarize the polls with a southbound role on a polecat's pole?

--TRAVEL ALERT: Always keep a cigar handy when you fly in case you see Monica---it may keep her out of the cock-pit!

--Bill's logic is, of course, impeccably consistent: If you smoke dope but don't inhale - it doesn't count as drug-abuse; If you get a blow job but she doesn't come - it doesn't count as sex......

--What do Bill Clinton and Mark McGwire have in common? They're both making front-page news with their whacker.

 

The follwing is to be sung to the tune of "Oh, Susannah

Oh, she came from Cal-i-for-nia with her knee pads on her knees

And she got into the White House with a wink and if you please

Oh, Betty Curry, now don't you cry for me,

I'll write a book

and tell the world

about my sex degrees!

Written by Joy Mcclellan R.N.

--Do you realize that if you rearrange the letters in "Monica Lewinsky", you can get "wank my silicone", or, for that matter, "my silicone wank"? This ambiguity is what makes it so confusing.

--What is the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic? On the Titanic, there was a better head count on who went down.

--Asked to comment on Monica Lewinsky's situation, writer Judith Martin, better known as Miss Manners, has decreed that it is acceptable for young ladies to tuck their napkin in at the chin whenever they are dining under the table.

--When Chelsea was in Girl Scouts, it was mom Hillary that helped with selling the cookies. Why not dad? Because they caught him nibbling on the Brownies.

--The makers of Stay Free products have announced a new line of mini-pads with the President's face printed on the inside surface. As one staffer explained, "Now you can put that womanizing bozo in his place".

--What's Bill's latest excuse? It wasn't adultery, she was only 21 years old.

--When asked the question, "Do you consider oral sex adultery?" Bill replied, "Not unless someone talks about it."

--Close associates say the President is thinking of getting Monica a hearing aid for Christmas. He claims he said: "You have two sensational eyes, my love." But she says she heard "You have to sensationalize my lust".

--Monica's dress will be known in history as "The spot heard round the world"

--Why did Bill Clinton become a man of the cloth? The move seemed natural after everyone began to picture him a rector.

--Why is there a hole in the end of Bill Clinton's penis? So he can think with an open mind.

--Tomorrow's headline: Spineless Cactus Developed using Clinton DNA.

--Day-after-tomorrow's headline: YKK Outbids Talon for Clinton Ad Endorsement.

--Monica was planning on getting a new dress but she decided to stick to the one she has.

--How did Bill and Hillary meet? They were both dating the same girl.

--Few remember that Disney once turned down Monica Lewinsky for an acting job. She had auditioned for a role in a kids' show about government and politics. Sih-wee wabbits. Widdle did day wee-ah-wize how ah-gwessive-wee Wah-winsky would push to cover a weal pwesidential ewection.

--Why did Bill quit eating garlic? Monica claims "The hole (sic) thing left a bad taste in my mouth".

--Scientists at Lawrence Livermore Laboratories say they have discovered a particle of matter smaller than any other ever detected. The particle was isolated from DNA in one of President Clinton's "Y" sex chromosomes and is said to be far smaller than a quark, previously believed to be the smallest particle. The discoverers, noting that their find disproves a long-held assumption, have decided to call the new particle a "scruple". Not much is known about it, but the researchers have so far learned that exposing it to "XX" chromosome pairs often causes it to vanish.

--Well it's nice to see that Clinton has finally 'fessed up and said he is "very sorry". Now, there's just one more step required for him to regain his credentials as a good ol' boy: make it "plumb sorry."

--Now that Monica Lewinsky is through testifying, Kenneth Starr is considering how to handle her situation under the witness protection program. He sees Bill Clinton himself as the only real threat. The suggestions so far:

1. A sex change operation.

2. Hide her away a couple of years until she's too old to interest him.

3. Plastic surgery to make her look like Hillary.

4. Have her jaws wired shut.

--Bob Dole, Ross Perot, and Bill Clinton go to see The Wizard of Oz. When the Wizard asks what they're looking for, Dole says, "A new heart," and Perot says, "More Courage." Clinton pauses a moment, then says, "Better head."

--When Bill Clinton was asked, "Whats your favorite athletic brand slogan." He replied "JUST DO IT."

--What's the difference between Monica and a mosquito? When you smack a mosquito it stops sucking.

--There once was a prez named Bill,

whose interns all knew the drill.

he'd say, "Get on your knees,

and service me, please!

'Cause I don't think Hillary will."

--What does Ted Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wants? An ex-wife and a dead girlfriend.

--Why doesn't Monica need money? She has a wad of Bill's.

--Monica would be a rich woman now, if she'd just gotten interest on the wad of Bill's that sat in her mother's closet all that time.

--Why did Bill have to switch to unlubricated condoms? Because Monica's doctor put her on a strict, low-fat diet.

--What do a slot machine and Monica Lewinsky have in common? They both say "insert bill here."

--The White House reports that its Internet site is back up today after an outage yesterday. Some Internet users reported receiving the following error message from the site:

**BRANCH TO ALTERNATE ENTRY POINT IN

**TYPE intern NOT ALLOWED

**LINKAGE TRACED TO ADDRESS

**MEMORY FAULT IN ..main..

Technicians say the problem has been fixed several times before but that it keeps recurring.

--What's the one place you won't see Bill Clinton's picture? On a three dollar bill.

--What's the first thing Bill Clinton does when he gets up in the morning? Goes back to the Whitehouse.

--There once was a President's willy

With an eye of its own for a filly;

Though he'd zipper it in,

It would pop out again,

Til it finally drove the man silly.

--Did you hear that Clinton has announced there is a new national bird? The spread eagle.

--The Spelling Bee ... Dan Quayle, Frank Gifford and Bill Clinton were the finalists. Unbelievably, Dan Quayle won. He was the only one of the three who knew that "harass" was one word.

--How many White House Interns does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they are too busy screwing the President.

--I could write a sonnet

about Monica's Easter bonnet

when, quiet as a mouse

she left the White House

Clinton's cum was on it.

-Barry Crist-

--What does every girl do when they have dinner with the President? They pick-up the "bill"

--What's Bill Clinton's favorite cigar? A Monicanudo.

Senators William B. Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. Table Tennis Team after its tour of Communist China. The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate of the opportunity of passing the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill.

Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas.

A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze.

When they come to the extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz.

They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes.

Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."

Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."

Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy?"

 

What help wanted ad did Monica Lewinsky answer? Be a White House intern, and get a taste of the Presidency!

Did you hear that when this scandal is over that Monica plans to sell her story? She said she will tell it Blow by Blow.

What's Monica going to title her memories? "How to suckseed in the Oval Office without really trying!"

"Save the whales - collect the entire set." - Bumper sticker.

There Once Was A Gal...

There once was a gal named Lewinsky,

Who played on a flute like Stravinsky.

'Twas "Hail to the Chief",

On this flute made of beef,

That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

 

Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,

"We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski.

Since you look such a mess,

Use the hem of your dress,

And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky"

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