Graucho Marx Quotes

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies. ~ Groucho Marx

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.~ Groucho Marx

Groucho Marx Print 'um & pass 'um around!

Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet! ~ Groucho Marx

Someone: "I would like to say goodbye to your wife". Groucho: "Me too".

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.~ Groucho Marx

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.~ Groucho Marx

If you fall out of that window and break both your legs, don't come running to me.~~ Groucho Marx

Laughter the Best Medicine

Quote Me

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." -- Groucho Marx

How do you feel about women's rights ? I like either side of them. ~ Groucho Marx
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening .. But this wasn't it.~ Groucho Marx
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife~ Groucho Marxx
I sent the club a wire stating, Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.~ Groucho Marx
Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!~~ Groucho Marx
To Margret Dumont: "I can see you and I married. I can see you bending over the stove. I can't see the stove!~ Groucho Marx
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.~ Groucho Marx
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.~ Groucho Marx
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.~ Groucho Marx
There is only one way to find out if a man is honest...ask him. If he says 'yes', you know he is crooked.~ Groucho Marx
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing.. if you can fake that, you've got it made.~ Groucho Marx
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.~ Groucho Marx
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.~ Groucho Marx
I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse~ Groucho Marx
Go, and never darken my towels again.~ Groucho Marx
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.~ Groucho Marx
Time wounds all heels.~ Groucho Marx
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?~ Groucho Marx
My mother loved children ... she would have given anything if I had been one.~ Groucho Marx
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.~ Groucho Marx
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.~ Groucho Marx

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend. ~ Groucho Marx
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.~ Groucho Marx
I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.~ Groucho Marx
I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.
"Seven? That many?" She blushed, and said, "Well, I love my husband." Groucho came back with, "I love my cigar, too, but I take it out once in a while."
Remember men you are fighting for the ladies honour, which is probably more than she ever did.~ Groucho Marx
Oh are you from Wales ?? Do you know a fella named Jonah ?? He used to live in whales for a while.~ Groucho Marx
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.~ Groucho Marx
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.~ Groucho Marx
Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.~ Groucho Marx

This man has the mind of a 4-year old boy..and I bet he was glad to get rid of it~ Groucho Marx
Look, if you don't like my parties, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you can't find that, you can leave in a taxi.~ Groucho Marx
Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.~ Groucho Marx
We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next week.~ Groucho Marx
It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than open your mouth and remove all doubt.~ Groucho Marx
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
Women should be obscene, and not heard.
In a restaurant to a waitress: "Do you have frogs legs or do you always walk like that....
From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
A child af five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Outside of a dog a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's to dark to read.
Hello I must be going. I cannot stay, I came to say I must be going. I'm glad I came, but just the same, I must be going.
Beyond the Alps lies more Alps, and the Lord alps those that alps themselves.
Well I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech.
Are you going to believe me, or what you see with your own eyes?
She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party.
In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.
"Call me a cab!" Groucho replies, "OK, you're a cab."
I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought I'll dance with the cows till you come home.
I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
How would you like to feel the way she looks ?
My mother treated us all equally ... with contempt.
Someone: "The garbage men are here" Groucho: "Tell them we don't want any".
Follow me men. Never mind men - just the women.
I like my women warm and my champagne cold.
Blood's not thicker than money.I cannot say that I do not disagree with you.
Room service? Send up a larger room
When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said "I was just whispering in her mouth"
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.
There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!
You get a canoe later and I'll paddle you.
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
Man: "I would like to say goodby to your wife". Groucho: "Me too".
The last time I saw legs like that was on a billiard table.
We give em a seventy-five cent meal that'll knock their eyes out. After we knock their eyes out, we can charge them anything we want.
I drink to make people interesting.
I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but found it too unwieldy.
If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.
I'll never forget my wedding day..they threw vitamin pills.
I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip.
I made a killing on Wall Steet a few years ago...I shot my broker.

"Just because something's toxic doesn't mean it's not tasty." - Matthew J. Siske.

The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, you got to admit that each party is worse than the other. The one that's out always looks the best. - Will Rogers

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.~ Will Rogers

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

& Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. Bumper Sticker

Peg we've been married for 17 years. Can't we just be friends?

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