Q. Whats the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?

A. One less Drunk

Why did God make man first?

He didn't want a woman looking over his shoulder.

Why do women close their eyes during sex?

They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?

A woman that won't do what she's told.

Why did the elephants wear sunglasses?

With all these dumb jokes going around, would YOU want to be recognized?

"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

"All generalizations are false."

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

"Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."

What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?

Marriage.

Q. What happened to the Irish Sea Scouts?

A. Their tent sank.

Q. Why is the wheelbarrow the world's greatest invention?

A. Because it taught the Irish to walk upright.

Q. What do you call an Irishman who has 1,500 girlfriends?

A. A shepherd!

Why do blondes write TGIF on their shoes?

So they remember 'Toe Goes in First'

Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid?

They can't get all that water in the little package.

Q. Did you hear the Clintons are relieved they named their dog "Buddy"?

A. They're glad they don't have to run around the White House yelling "Come Spot!!!"

Where do you find elephants?

It depends on where you lost them.

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?

"Look, here come the elephants!"

What did Charles de Gaulle say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?

"Voila les elephants!"

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?

Nothing, he didn't recognize them.

What did the elephants say when they saw Tarzan coming over the hill?

Nothing, elephants can't talk.

What did Tarzan say when he saw the giraffes coming over the hill?

"Ha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"

What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?

Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

How can you tell the difference between a grape and an elephant?

Grapes are purple.

What did Jane say when he she saw the elephants coming over the hill?

"Look, here come the grapes!" (She was color blind.)

You Might Be A Redneck if..

you can burp the entire chorus of "Jingle Bells".

the Orkin man tells you "Give up you've lost".

you think paprika is a third-world country.

you refer to the fifth grade as "my senior year".

people hunt in your front yard.

your checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.

your muffler is held on by a coat hanger.

going to the bathroom in the middle of the night requires shoes and a flashlight.

you can take your bra off while driving.

you have more than 10 ceramic statues in your front yard.

you give away more free puppies than the Humane Society.

your screen door has no screen.

your primary source of income is the pawn shop.

you prefer car keys to Q-tips.