Ask a 'biblical christian Republican', "How did the kangaroos get to Noah's Ark?" (it's an 8000 mile ocean swim, Columbus sailed 4k)

There is not one passage in the Gospels in praise of intelligence.

They think they can make fuel from horse manure.... Now, I don't know if your car will be able to get 30 miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put a stop to siphoning.

 If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.~ Will Rogers

You can fake an orgasism but you can't fake laughter ~ Bob Dylan

Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?
A.
They can't stand criticism. .. ( or to be taught?)

As long as there are tests there will be prayer in public schools!

 

Quote Me

 

What's another word for "Thesaurus"?

 

George Carlen:  Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac

the cross eyed teacher could not control his pupils ~ Bob Dylan on XM radio

Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe Attorneys at Law

I've got two TV Guides. One on the table and one in the bath-room.  I'm rich! ~Al Bundy

George Bush recently said the he believes in global warming .. as a result,  now I'm not sure

Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up. ~ Robert Frost (1874-1963)

If fascism ever comes to America, it will come wrapped in an American flag. - Huey Long

"Once there was a time when all people believed in god and the church ruled. This time is called the Dark Ages"

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.~ Will Rogers

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A bar is a pharmacy with a limited inventory.

If you ever have to support a flagging conversation, introduce the topic of eating

& Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. Bumper Sticker

 "As long as there are tests there will be prayer in public schools."

Laughter is the closest distance between two people. ~ Victor Borge   

Women Are Complex Creatures

If someone offers you a breath mint .. accept it!

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Why don't elephants ride bicycles?
They don't have thumbs to ring the bells.

"George Bush recently said the he believes in global warming .. as a result,  now I'm not sure" ~ Lewis Black, December 2007

  • Why did the blonde stare at the carton of Orange Juice?

  • It said 'concentrate'

Never judge a book by its movie. ~J. W. Eagan

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

Can it be a mistake that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backwards ??

After two days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurseW C Fields

What is a jock's (male or female!) view of safe sex?

A padded headboard.

Political Jokes  Graucho Marx Quotes  Elephant Jokes Lawyer Jokes  Tobacco is No Joke

Appropriate exercise proper rest & planned nutrition ( intelligent lifestyle? ) are required for personal optimization.

No way you can watch this Fats Waller video & not smile! ..

+ a !00% money back guarantee. (don't lose your receipt)

 

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat >minor.

A backward poet writes inverse

Texas Attorney:    Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
Medical Witness:    A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." - Dean Martin.

  • "Bite the wax tadpole." ~ "Coca-Cola" as originally translated into Chinese
  • "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave." - ad slogan "Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese
  • "eat your fingers off" - Kentucky Fried Chicken's "finger lickin' good" as originally translated into Chinese
  • "tiny male genitals" - "Pinto" in Brazilian slang. Ford renamed the Pinto "Corcel" - "Horse."
  • "It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant." - Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated in Mexico

"People are more opposed to fur than leather because rich ladies are easier to harass than bikers." - my neighbor ..  Louise!

I've got two TV Guides. One on the table and one in the bath-room.  I'm rich! ~>Al Bundy

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine (River).

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Interstate. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the decision maker.

"An average of two rodent hairs per one hundred grams of peanut butter is allowed." - FDA guidelines.

If .. you come back from the dump with more than you took to it....or if going to the bathroom in the middle of the night requires shoes and a flashlight...or if you can take your bra off while driving. .. or if directions to your house include "turn off the paved road"  ..  or your wife has a set of earrings that you use as a fishing lure. ..  if your talent in the local beauty pageant was making noises with your armpit ..  If you've ever had to defend your sister's honor by climbing to the top of a water tower with a bucket of paint remover... you've ever worn a tube top to a wedding... the Salvation Army declines your mattress.  & if .. you have more than 10 ceramic statues in your front yard....or .your screen door has no screen...... you might be a redneck..

If you're looking for a good reason to be happy, consider this: Happier people are healthier.

  • Does anybody know the Washington Post's code name for their Clinton insider-news source?

  • I'm pretty sure it's not "Deep Throat" ... ( for you kids, that was the "press informant name" of the Nixon insider! )

OK OK .. 1 more Clinton joke

  • Why did they name their dog Buddy?

  • Bill was already tired of Hillary yelling, "Come Spot"

The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, you got to admit that each party is worse than the other. The one that's out always looks the best. -- Will Rogers

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

ERROR: Keyboard Not Found! Press ENTER to continue

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue :-o

Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...

My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character. ~ Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself "the Charles Barkley of figure skating", 1994

If you're looking for a good reason to be happy, consider this: Happier people may be healthier.

In case you're interested a serious rant against tobacco companies here, some gross smokers lung pictures.

Live all you can; it's a mistake not to. It doesn't so much matter what you do in particular, so long as you have your life. If you haven't had that what have you had?~ Henry James