Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

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A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats ~ Benjamin Franklin

  • An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"

  • "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"

Texas Attorney: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
Medical Expert: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q. What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer

A. A Doberman?

 
Laughter the Best Medicine

Quote ME

 

Ben Dover And  C. Howlett Fields Attorneys At Law

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

A: Professional courtesy.

Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe Attorneys at Law

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A good start!

A2: A barrister reef.

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

A: His lips ( eyes, lungs, heart .. ) are moving.

 

"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.

"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."

 

It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city sub-scribed to a fund for his funeral.

The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.

"Only a shilling?" said the Justice,

"Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.

A2: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...

Texas Attorney: Trooper, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
Texas State Trouper:  Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.

When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule

what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard

to get back on your feet.

 

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you

serve lawyers here?".

"Sure do," replied the bartender.

"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my

'gator."

 

There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow.

One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns.

Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.

 

If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator ----

It would be a good idea to just leave them there.

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A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone.

After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

"Here lies Strange an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.

"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state it's against the law to bury 3 people in the same grave."

Strange quickly explained that he was an honest lawyer

The stone cutter thought for a few seconds ..  "I could put, here lies an honest lawyer.

"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the honest lawyer.

"Certainly they will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it and exclaim,

"That's Strange!"

Strange contended that under the first 'adamant' he could say what ever he wanted on his tombstone...

~ & .. years later ~

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother.

On their way through the cemetery back to the car the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

 

The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, you got to admit that each party is worse than the other. The one that's out always looks the best. - Will Rogers

The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:

1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit / investor fraud suit where he knew they were guilty.

2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.

3) Overcharging fees to many clients.

4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.

And the list goes on for quite awhile.

The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case.

He admits all these things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also."

St. Peter looks in his book and says, "Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?"

The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes."

St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."

East Texas Judge: "I rarely do so, but for whatever purpose it may serve, I will indicate for the record that I approached this case with a completely open mind."

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

A: Cut the rope.

A2 Cut the limb.

A3: Burn the tree

A4: Do a Stallone / Rambo style M-16 tree trimming

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

A1: Take your foot off his head?

A2: No I don't.

Good!

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

A: An offer you can't understand

Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?

A. From chasing parked ambulances.

Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?

A. In the cemetery

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's ah shame")?

A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?

A: There was an empty seat.

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"

The housewife replies: "Four!".

The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."

The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

From court transcripts:

Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

Q: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Q: How long have you been a French Canadian?

Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

 

Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.

Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.

Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.

Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Q. Were you acquainted with the defendant?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?

Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.

Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.

Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.


Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.

Q: You say you're innocent, yet five people swore they saw you steal a watch.
A: Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me steal it.

Q: At the time you first saw Dr. McCarty, had you ever seen him prior to that time?


Q: Did the lady standing the driveway subsequently identify herself to you?
A: Yes, she did.
Q: Who did she say she was?
A: She said she was the owner of the dog's wife.

Q: I understand you're Bernie Davis's mother.
A: Yes.
Q: How long have you known him?

Q: Now, I'm going to show you what has been marked as State's Exhibit No. 2 and ask if you recognize the picture?
A: John Fletcher.
Q: That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

Q: Please state the location of your right foot immediately prior to impact.
A: Immediately before the impact, my right foot was located at the immediate end of my right leg.

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes
Q: How many were boys?
A: None
Q: Were there girls?

Q: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. the autopsy started about 8:30 pm.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid [jerk], he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!


Q: So you were gone until you returned?

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?

A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.


Q: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you

describe it?


Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer.

"How's it going?",someone asked.

"Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern.

 

Insurance Excuses

The following quotes taken from the Toronto News on July 26, 1977, are actual statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible.

1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.

2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.

3. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

4. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

5. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

6. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

7. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

8. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

9. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.

10. I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.

11. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

12. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

13. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

14. I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

15. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

16. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

17. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

18. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

19. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.

20. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

21. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.

      22. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

 

 

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

From Court Reporters transcripts:
Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.

Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.

Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.

Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Q. Were you acquainted with the defendant?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?

Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.

Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.

Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.


Before we recess, let's listen to one last exchange involving a child:
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.

Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.

Q: You say you're innocent, yet five people swore they saw you steal a watch.
A: Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me steal it.

Q: At the time you first saw Dr. McCarty, had you ever seen him prior to that time?

JUDGE: I rarely do so, but for whatever purpose it may serve, I will indicate for the record that I approached this case with a completely open mind.

Q: Did the lady standing the driveway subsequently identify herself to you?
A: Yes, she did.
Q: Who did she say she was?
A: She said she was the owner of the dog's wife.

Q: I understand you're Bernie Davis's mother.
A: Yes.
Q: How long have you known him?

Q: Now, I'm going to show you what has been marked as State's Exhibit No. 2 and ask if you recognize the picture?
A: John Fletcher.
Q: That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

Q: Please state the location of your right foot immediately prior to impact.
A: Immediately before the impact, my right foot was located at the immediate end of my right leg.

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes
Q: How many were boys?
A: None
Q: Were there girls?

Q: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. the autopsy started about 8:30 pm.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid [jerk], he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

Q: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Q: Q: How long have you been a French Canadian?

Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Q: So you were gone until you returned?

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop

and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog

running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to

demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers,

"Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys

don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't brought the

shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office].

Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would be

unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the

lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.

 

 

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

 

Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

A. Shoot the lawyer. Twice-----------------------

ONLY IN THE U.S. LEGAL SYSTEM

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against ... get this ... fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued... and won!

In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested ... on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms!

For years, the young attorney had been taking vacations at a country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and talking, and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

Q. What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer

A. A tick falls off of you when you die.

 

Q. Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients

A. To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

 

Q. What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should

A. Stick his bill up his ass.

 

Q. What do you have when 100 Lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand

A. Not enough sand.

 

Q. What's the difference between a dead dog / skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road

A. There are skid marks in front of the dog / skunk.

 

Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons

A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, They cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

 

Q. What do lawyers and sperm have in common

A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

 

Q. Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps

A. They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

 

Q. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him

A. It might be your bicycle.

 

Q. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?

A. The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

 

Q. It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it) ...

A. It was SO cold ... that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets

 

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and couldn't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was MY fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail, and a dear twitchy little nose; YOU must be a BUNNY RABBIT!"

(And the little blind bunny was so pleased he danced with joy.)

Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, WHAT kind of animal are YOU?"

And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine HIM, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy, and you haven't got any balls...

You must be a lawyer."

 

Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?

A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.

 

Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?

A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

 

Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

 

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a

living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a

whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.

Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father

answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded

an explanation.

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a

thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

 

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were

thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise,

St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where

the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assis-

tants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the

line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't

mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed

your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

  

A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred

it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the

thief go first, and the executioner follow."

The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates.

After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective

professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly

station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides

to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome,

Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a

huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete

announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until

the end of time..) "Hot Dang", the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting

a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!". They take flight

once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear

more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with

Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the

Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best.

The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the

deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I,

spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?"

Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: "Look here old fellow,

this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many

times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can

get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because

he's the first (non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!!"

 

A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the

defendent, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the

influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a

jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the

hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a

dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.

The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed

the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10

minutes and it was very clear that the defendent was guilty. The jury

went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home,

and everyone waited.

After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and

sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the

verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they

got a verdict yet?"

The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still

doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"

 

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's

grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the

little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same

grave?"

"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

 

The defendent who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at

least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.

----

These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to

cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says

"Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are".

Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon

descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't

tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground". So Harry

yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And

the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet

up in the air". George turns to Harry and says "That man must

be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can you tell?". George says

"Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally

useless".

That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still

worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink,

and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists

Soaked by Lawyer".

-----

God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences

once and for all.

"We need a good honest civil lawyer!"

When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think

you're going to find a good honest civil lawyer?"

They're mythological creatures.

 

At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to

another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to

lawyers for our experiments?"

"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"

"Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more

plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to

them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do. However,

sometimes it very hard to exterpolate our test results to human beings."

 

A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to

which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer

would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to

spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods

section of Maine.

On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with

him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed.

Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in

the great outdoors.

Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to

pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry

patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along

came two huge Bears - a male and a female.

Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His

friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and

swallowed him whole.

The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and

got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed

back to the berry patch with the lawyer.

Sure enough, the two bears were still there.

"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of

lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his

friend.

The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun,

took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.

"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you

that the… Czech was in the Male?"

 

It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the

emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green

came over to see him.

"Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in

court when you accused me of malpractice."

"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could

it be?"

"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."

"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't

know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"

"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."

"What are you talking about?"

"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew

everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."

"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."

"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns

out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"

"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."

"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer

Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr.

Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it

when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occured to you my client could have an

Excedrin headache?'

Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.'

Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' "

"Why are you reading that to me?"

"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making

a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..."

"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."

"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken

sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."

"Then get me another doctor."

"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that

after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office.

This is the only place that I can practice."

"If you give me something to releive the pain I will personally

appeal your case to a higher court."

"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for

a kidney stone."

"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by

looking at him."

"That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when

you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize

into stones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher

of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going

to be in a lot of pain.' "

"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my

ounce of Demerol?"

"I better check you out first."

"Don't check me out, just give the dope."

"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had

examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't

do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?"

"What for?"

"To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued

and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."

"I'm not going to sue you."

"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ

after you pass the kidney stone?"

 

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.

The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a

glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world,

nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in

Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..."

Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle thru it. All

the others are quite impressed.

The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to

smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas,

nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare and we have so much

of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack

of havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.

At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the

Lawyer through it...

 

 

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up

together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order

to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the

ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about

it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic."

St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't

REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided

to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the

ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie

and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

 

A guy in Michigan buys a brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee for $30,000 and has $400+ monthly payments. He and a friend decide to go duck hunting, but, of course, all the lakes are frozen. These two Atomic Brains go to the lake with guns, a dog, beer and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready.

Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. Out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do realize that if they place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they (and the new Grand Cherokee) are standing, they risk slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and they might possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. So, they decide to light the fuse and throw the dynamite.

Remember I mentioned a vehicle, beer, guns and a dog? Yes, the dog: A highly trained black lab used for retrieving, especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog sprints off across the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice.

The two men wonder what to do. They yell, scream, and wave their arms wildly. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with 8 duck shot, hardly big enough to kill a black lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, and then continues on. Another shot and the dog, still alive, becomes really confused and scared, thinking these two Nobel Prize winners have gone insane.

He takes off to find cover, (with the now really short fuse burning on the stick of dynamite)... under the brand new Cherokee. BOOM ! Dog and Cherokee are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two candidates for Co-leaders of the Known Universe standing there with a "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered.

He had yet to make the first of those $400+ a month payments.

The Lexus

A lawyer buys a Lexus for $60,000. For weeks all he talks about is his $60,000 car. One day while driving to work he's broadsided and his car is totaled. He emerges from his car and begins wailing to the offending driver, "How could you do this to my @#$% $60,000 Lexus?!"

A policemen arrives and while he's writing the report the lawyer is still ranting about his $60,000 Lexus. Finally the policemen just can't take it anymore, and he turns to the lawyer and says, "You lawyers are all alike, so selfish and materialistic. Look at you, your left arm has been torn off and all you care about is your car." For the first time the lawyer looks down at his arm and notices that it's gone. He immediately gasps "Oh my God, where's my Rolex!"

 

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light

bulb.

A2: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're

looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...

A3: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the

party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith

agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall

be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform

previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise

illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the

entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area,

demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at

the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by

the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited

to, the following steps:

1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation

at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of

elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the

party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction,this

point being non-negotiable.

2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb)

becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party

of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of

the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state,

local and federal statutes.

3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first

part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of

the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a

manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of

this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur

in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the

party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the

objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the

fifth part, also known as "Partnership."

 

WASHINGTON STATE SEASON BAG LIMITS

**********************************************************************

 

1300.01 GENERAL

 

1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may

harvest attorneys.

 

2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The

use of currency as bait is prohibited.

 

3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If

accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to

nearest car wash.

 

4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow

machine, helicopter, or aircraft.

 

5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free

Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

 

6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW

dealerships.

 

7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills,

prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.

 

8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of

courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars,

ambulances, or hospitals.

 

9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a

felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.

 

10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department

inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.

 

11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a

reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident

victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting

attorneys.

 

BAG LIMITS

 

1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2

2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 1

3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4

4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) 3

5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2

6. Honest Attorney EXTINCT

7. Cut-throat 2

8. Back-stabbing Whiner 2

9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2

10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY

11. Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian 7

 

Laughter the Best Medicine

Quote Me

 

 

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?

A: The bucket.