Marriage ....

Dr. Phil on marriage

 

 Peg we've been married for 17 years. Can't we just be friends?

Why do men want to marry virgins?

A. They can't stand criticism.   or  ...   B. They can't stand to be taught?

Married life is very frustrating.

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

When a man says he had pleasure with a woman he does not mean conversation.

 Laughter the Best Medicine

Quote Me

 

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but mean your mother.

 

 

Women Are Complex Creatures

  • A guy wanted the vet to cut his dogís tail off.

  • The vet asked why.

  • Well, my mother in law is visiting next month and I want to eliminate any possible indication that she is welcome.

I'm a great housekeeper. I get divorced. I keep the house ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor.

We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love, never so forlornly unhappy as when we have lost our love object or its love.

Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage. Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914) - The Devil's Dictionary, 1911

Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two. Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914) - The Devil's Dictionary, 1911

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution.~ Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.-- Brendon Behan

Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.  ~ Joey Adams

Marriage is the result of the longing for the deep, deep peace of the double bed after the hurly-burly of the chaise lounge. Mrs. Patrick Campbell,

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. Robert Frost (1874-1963)

Just as a cautious businessman avoids investing all his capital in one concern, so wisdom would probably admonish us also not to anticipate all our happiness from one quarter alone.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. ~ Rodney Dangerfield ~

Jealousy, that dragon which slays love under the pretence of keeping it alive. ~ Havelock Ellis ~

In jealousy there is more of self-love than love. ~ Francois De La Rochefoucauld ~

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

  • When a newly married man looks happy we know why.

  • But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.

Remember that the most beautiful things in the world are the most useless; for example, peacocks and lilies.~ John Ruskin - The Stones of Venice,

Never judge someone by who he's in love with; judge him by his friends. People fall in love with the most appalling people. Take a cool, appraising glance at his pals.  Cynthia Heimel

Laughter is the closest distance between two people. ~ Victor Borge

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

 Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine.

Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. -- Woody Allen

If it were weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all. -- Rodney Dangerfield

I know nothing about sex, because I was always married. -- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Q. How do men sort their laundry?
A. "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"  or B.  The "cleanest dirty shirt" principal,Kris Kristofferson

Lisa Marie Presley told Rolling Stone magazine that she and Michael Jackson had sex at the beginning of the marriage but then they just stopped. She said she just couldnít dress up like a Cub Scout anymore. Jay Leno

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

The closest I've ever come to saying "no" is "Not now, we're landing."-- Sam Malone, character played by Ted Danson on Cheers

"Just because something's toxic doesn't mean it's not tasty." - Matthew J. Siske.

Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?

Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.-- Groucho Marx

A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. Bruce Friedman

Pleasure

  •  What is a jock's (male or female) view of safe sex?

    Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

    With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

    A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds : "Wife wanted".

     Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine.

    Q. How do men sort their laundry?
    A. "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"  or B.  The "cleanest dirty shirt" principal,Kris Kristofferson

    Lisa Marie Presley told Rolling Stone magazine that she and Michael Jackson had sex at the beginning of the marriage but then they just stopped. She said she just couldnít dress up like a Cub Scout anymore. Jay Leno

    How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
    In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

     

    Q. Why are men and parking spaces alike?. Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.

    What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?

    Marriage.

    • What food cause paraplegia in women?

    • Wedding cake

    Q. What do you call an Irishman who has 1,500 girlfriends?

    A.  A shepherd!

    WHAT SHOULD U GIVE A MAN WHO HAS EVERYTHING?
    A WOMAN TO SHOW HIM HOW TO WORK IT

    It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

    Q. Why do men name their penises?
    A. Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.

    When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

    Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet! ~ Graucho

    • Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
    • A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.
    • After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

    • And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

    It must be your mother. Tell her I said 'oink'.

    I'm jealous of everyone not married to you.

    Itís Fleet Week here in New York City. Four thousand sailors are visiting New York City. And this is a neat idea: One of them gets to be the new Jennifer Lopez fiancť.  David Letterman

    The opera isn't over until the last heterosexual falls asleep.

    • Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?

    • Dad: That happens in most countries, son.

    Connie Chung was fired by CNN. Thatís embarrassing, being fired. Not as embarrassing as being married to Maury Povich, but still... Jay Leno

    Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.~ Sophia Loren

    A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. ~ Bruce Friedman

    A man is only as old as the woman he feels ~ Groucho Marx (1895-1977)

    The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.- Brendon Behan

    • Little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

    • And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
       

    • A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."

    • "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend.

    • The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".

      •  

    • In Germany, paramedics rescued a 40-year-old man who got his manhood stuck in a vacuum cleaner.

    • He told the authorities his relationship with the vacuum was purely physical.

    • He didnít want any attachments.

    According to the latest issue of "U.S. Weekly,Ē Mick Jaggerís son is in a hot romance with Keith Richardís 16-year-old daughter. Which wouldnít be bad, but Mickís son is 62 years old. Leno

    Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. 
    You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
    • At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" 
    • The other replied,  "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
    
    Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
    Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's

    1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.

    2. Woman don't make fools of men-most of them are the do-it-yourself types .

    3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you're sick of him .

    4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.

    5. A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.

    6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one-they try harder.

    7. Go for younger men. You might as well-they never mature anyway.

    8. A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.

    9. Men are all the same-they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

    10. Definition of a man with manners-he gets out of the bath to pee.

    11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he already is.

    12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men .......... a woman.

    13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men
    - strong, caring, loving -
    they'd be wrong but you could still use them.

    14. Men are like animals-messy, insensitive and potentially violent-but they make great pets.

    15. Men's brains are like the prison system-not enough cells per man.

    16. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop".

    17. Husbands are like children-they're fine if they're someone else's.

    1. Men are like department stores.... their clothes should always be half off.

    2. Men are like vacations.... they never seem to be long enough.

    3. Men are like computers... hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

    4. Men are like coolers... load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

    5. Men are like chocolate bars.... sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

    6. Men are like coffee.... the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

    7. Men are like horoscopes.... they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

    8. Men are like plungers... they spend most of their lives in a hard ware store or the bathroom.

    9. Men are like cement.... after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

    10. How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
      In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

     

    1. WHAT SHOULD U GIVE A MAN WHO HAS EVERYTHING?
      A WOMAN TO SHOW HIM HOW TO WORK IT

    2. WHY DON'T MEN HAVE MID-LIFE CRISES?
      THEY STAY STUCK IN ADOLESCENCE

    3. HOW IS BEING AT THE SINGLES BAR DIFFERENT FROM GOING TO THE CIRCUS? AT

    4. THE CIRCUS THE CLOWNS DON'T TALK

    5. WHAT MAKES MEN CHASE WOMEN THEY HAVE NO INTENTION OF MARRYING? THE SAME

    6. URGE THAT MAKES DOGS CHASE CARS THEY HAVE NO INTENTION OF DRIVING

    7. WHY DO BACHELORS LIKE SMART WOMEN?
      OPPOSITES ATTRACT

    8. WHY ARE HUSBANDS LIKE LAWN MOWERS? THEY'RE HARD TO GET STARTED, EMIT FOUL ODORS, AND DON'T WORK HALF THE TIME

    9. WHY DO MEN FIND IT DIFFICULT TO MAKE EYE CONTACT? BREASTS DON'T HAVE EYES

    10. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
      ONE.....MEN WILL SCREW ANYTHING

    11. once you get married remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always remember to get the last two words in: "Yes dear"

    12. This married couple were traveling down the highway at a very rapid pace, when a patrolman put on the siren and pulled them over. The officer said to the husband "Can I see your license and registration"
      The husband says " Why? I wasn't doing anything wrong.",
      The patrolman replies "Sir I caught you on radar at 110 kilos an hour and the sped limit is 80 in this zone, I'll have to give you a ticket."
      Well the husband goes nuts saying that he wasn't speeding and the patrolman should be out catching criminals instead harassing law abiding citizens that him and his wife.
      The patrolman is trying to reason with the husband when the wife leans over and looks at the patrolman and says
      "You'll have to excuse my husband, he always gets like this when he has been drinking"

    13. Why can't women ski?
      Because there isn't a ski slope between the kitchen and the bed room

    14. Why can't women cross the road?
      Who cares they shouldn't be out of the damn kitchen!

    15. I believe that sex between two people is a beautiful thing....between five its fantastic.

    16. Love: that delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock!

    17. I havn't spoken to my Mother-In-Law for eighteen months....I don't like to interrupt her

    18. Q: What did the banana say to the dildo?

    19. A: What the hell are you shaking for shes going to eat me?

    20. The celebrant noticed that the bride was in great distress so asked her what was wrong. She replied that she was nervous and afraid she would not remember what to do. The celebrant told her that she only needed to remember 3 things.
      First the aisle, because that is what you'll be walking down.
      Secondly, the alter because that is where you will arrive.
      Finally, remember hymn because that is a type of song we will sing during the service.
      While the bride was walking to the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified to hear her repeating these 3 words. . . Aisle, alter hymn (I'll alter him!)

    21. Married life is very frustrating.
      In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
      In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
      In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

    22. Husband to wife: Why do you keep reading our marriage licence?
      Wife to Husband: I'm looking for a loophole

    23. Q: Why do brides wear white?
      A: To blend in with everything else in the kitchen.

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      Every now and then a guy who drive a Dodge likes to close his eyes and imagine it's a Ferrari.

      Q. Why do men name their penises?
      A. Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the decision maker.

      Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand .-- Charles Pierce