The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, you got to admit that each party is worse than the other. The one that's out always looks the best. - Will Rogers

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Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies. ~ Groucho Marx

 

 

 

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.~ Graucho Marx

Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up. ~ Robert Frost (1874-1963)

"When Fascism Comes It Will Be Wrapped In A Flag And Carrying A Cross"~ Ron Paul (quoting Huey Long)

 Laughter the Best Medicine

Quote Me

 

 

listen to congress.

 

If God were a liberal would he have given Moses the Ten Suggestions?

Justice is incidental to law and order. J. Edgar Hoover

After the grand jury session, he (Vernon Jordan) told reporters that he answered the questions truthfully and to the best of his ability. Well, come on, which is it?  David Letterman

"I've always thought that under populated countries in Africa are vastly under polluted." ~ Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries.

"An article came out in New Yorker Magazine that said in order to gather intelligence Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld authorized a secret program that encouraged the sexual humiliation of Iraqi prisoners. Rumsfeld said the article is outlandish, conspiratorial and full of conjecture. He didn't say it was wrong. He just said all those things." - Jay Leno

 

 & Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. Bumper Sticker

Q: Mr. Secretary you say you're innocent, yet five people swore they heard you make the statement.
A: Senator, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me say it.

Isn't a shame that the people who know how to run the country are tending bar (cutting hair). ~ George Burns

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.~ Groucho Marx (1895-1977)

"When they caught Saddam Hussein, he had more than $750,000 dollars. When he heard this, President Bush immediately invited Saddam to a fundraising dinner" - Conan O'Brien

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.~ Harry S. Truman

Any clod can have the facts; having opinions (beliefs) is an art. ~ Charles McCabe

There were so many stories around, it was almost inevitable some of them would turn out to be true. ~ Nigel Evans, Majesty Magazine editor, explaining a string of accurate stories about the royal family in the London tabloids

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.~ George Stephanopolous, Clinton's aide speaking on Larry King Live

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.~ Will Rogers

"They gave me a book of checks. They didn't ask for any deposits." Congressman Joe Early (D-Mass) at a press conference to answer questions about the House Bank Scandal

 

Actually, Bush’s bike accident was different from John Kerry’s accident: Bush fell when he tried turning too hard to the right; Kerry fell when he kept switching gears. Jay Leno

 

"Ashcroft went on to say that our way of life is being threatened by a group of radical religious fanatics who are armed and dangerous. And then he called for prayers in the public schools and an end to gun control." - Jay Leno

"Just because something's toxic doesn't mean it's not tasty ." - Matthew J. Siske.

"Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway." ~Othal Brand, member of a Texas Pesticide Review Board, on chlordane.

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously. ~ Hubert H Humphry

Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never learn anything from history.~ George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

In those days he was wiser than he is now; he used to frequently take my advice. ~Winston Churchill, Sir (1874-1965)

"I was a pilot flying an airplane and it just so happened that where I was flying made what I was doing spying."~ Francis Gary Power, U-2 reconnaissance pilot held by the Soviets for spying, in an interview after he was returned to the US.

"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe." ~Frank Rizzo, police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.~ Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860)

Power always has to be kept in check; power exercised in secret, especially under the cloak of national security, is doubly dangerous.~ William Proxmire

"I didn't accept it. I received it.", Richard Allen, National Security Advisor to President Reagan, explaining the $1000 in cash and two watches he was given by two Japanese journalists after he helped arrange a private interview for them with First Lady Nancy Reagan.

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You can't be a Real Country unless you have a BEER and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a BEER ~ Frank Zappa

People don't ask for facts in making up their minds. They would rather have one good, soul-satisfying emotion than a dozen facts.~ Robert Keith Leavitt

· Adlai E. Stevenson was was running against Dwight D. Eisenhower, an aide rushed up after a speech to inform him he would have "the support of all thinking Americans."

· "Not enough," Stevenson replied. "I'm going to need a majority."

When you are right, you cannot be too radical; When you are wrong, you cannot be too conservative.~ Martin Luther King, Jr. (1929-1968)

"I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes.", President Richard Nixon

"Prohibition? HA ! They tried that in the movies and it didn't work." - Homer Simpson.

About the time we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.~ Herbert Hoover

Former Arizona Rep. Morris Udall's presidential bug was squashed in the Democratic primaries of 1976. Fourteen years later, Udall was asked if he might run again and paraphrased William T. Sherman. "If nominated," the congressman said, "I will run to Mexico; if elected, I will fight extradition."

I don't want no job that requires someone to taste my cognac first ~ Gatemouth Wilson

"President Bush addressed the nation tonight and as always he was hilarious. ... Does it scare anyone else that the president has strokes in between syllables?"- Jimmy Kimmel

A small mind is obstinate. A great mind can lead and be led.~ Alexander Cannon

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?"

Pat Buchannan's speeches sound much better in the original German.~ Molley Ivers

Never moon a werewolf.~ Mike Binder

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame. ~Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)

"President Bush said today that when he was told Saddam Hussein had been captured he was up at Camp David reading a book. I don't know what's the bigger shock, capturing Saddam or finding out Bush was reading a book." - Jay Leno

· "When they caught Saddam Hussein, he had more than $750,000 dollars. When he heard this, President Bush immediately invited Saddam to a fundraising dinner" - Conan O'Brien

o John Kerry said, "a vote for Ralph Nader is a vote for George Bush."

o Duh-ba-yah said, "U'm vutin fur Rolf Nadah den!" - Jay Leno

· "A White House spokesmen said he fell because it's been raining a lot and the top soil is loose. We went ahead and looked up the rain for real in Crawford, Texas. May 15th, 0.0 inches of rain. May 16th, 0.0 inches of rain. 17th no rain. 18th, 19th, 20th, 21st, 22nd, and 23rd no rain. First he chokes on a pretzel; now he fell off his bike. Mr. President, when are you going to admit that Laura is abusing you? There is no shame in being a battered husband." - Jimmy Kimmel

· "Doctor's concluded that the president's fall hadn't done any damage when he appeared confused and disoriented." -Craig Kilborn

· Did you hear about this? President Bush fell off his bicycle this weekend. What’s really sad, it was a stationary bike. - Jay Leno

"He didn't say that. He was reading what was given to him in a speech." Richard Darman, director of OMB, explaining why President Bush ( # I ) wasn't following up on his campaign pledge that there would be no loss of wetlands.

"It depends on your definition of asleep. They were not stretched out. They had their eyes closed. They were seated at their desks with their heads in a nodding position." John Hogan, Commonwealth Edison Supervisor of News Information, responding to a charge by a Nuclear Regulatory Commission inspector that two Dresden Nuclear Plant operators were sleeping on the job.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?

A: The bucket.

· Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out ~Thomas de Torquemada

· Thank you for coming out on such a warm day. Ninety degrees here in Los Angeles. People were sweating like Donald Rumsfeld trying to explain his battle plan. ~ Jay

· This week Donald Rumsfeld issued stern warnings to Iranians and Syrian people telling them not to cross the border into Iraq. We’ll be watching, don’t try to cross the border. Good luck, we can’t stop them from crossing the border in Tijuana. ~ Jay

· Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding. ~ Einstein

· "The Bush administration renewed its call for a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. So I guess they feel the only time that guys should be on top of each other naked is in an Iraqi prison."-Jay Leno

· "President Bush said today he wants U.S. troops to pull out — of each other." -Jay Leno

"President Bush said last night that there'll be a new president in Iraq. In fact to give him a chance, they're going to give him a 30-second head start."

"He also said that Iraq will have two vice presidents. See that's when you know that they don't expect the president to last that long — when they have a back up guy for the back up guy." - Jay Leno

"President Bush says an interim president in Iraq should be selected in the next two weeks. Apparently there's not a lot of interest in that job right now." - Jay Leno

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.",Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.

Religion... is the opium of the masses.~ Karl Marx

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."

Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

"Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued ... Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976."

Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid

"In the early sixties, we were strong, we were virulent..."

Texan John Connally, Secretary of Treasury under Richard Nixon, in an early seventies speech, as reported in a contemporary "American Scholar".

"Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself."

Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator".

"The crime bill passed by the Senate would reinstate the Federal death penalty for certain violent crimes: assassinating the President; hijacking an airliner; and murdering a government poultry inspector."

"After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post."

Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington Rhode Island.

NATO threatened Serb forces with massive air strikes saying if troops did not withdraw they would level the bombed out countryside.

The Serb withdrawal will certainly hurt the local economy with experts predicting a huge unemployment rate among mass grave diggers.

All babies start out with the same number of raw cells which, over nine months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead.

Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cells necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female. Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications center of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs. If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak. And some of their cards are in their shorts. This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways.

Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls. Little girls will think about doing things before taking any action. Little boys will just punch or kick something and will look surprised if someone asks them why they just punched their little brother who was half asleep and looking the other way. This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins.

After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains differ, but the center of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside. Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as "Republicans." Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as "Democrats." A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins. These men are usually referred to as..... "Mr. President."