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If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan it properly.

Nick Lappos

I'm a great housekeeper. I get divorced. I keep the house.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Woody Allen (1935- )

I'm defeated and I know it, if I meet any human being from whom I find myself unable to learn anything.

George Herbert Palmer

I'm not against the police; I'm just afraid of them.

Alfred Hitchcock

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

Ernest Hemingway (1899-1961)

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Imagine a school with children that can read or write, but with teachers who can not, and you have a metaphor of the Information Age in which we live.

Peter Cochrane

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You'd see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!

Steven Wright

Impossible is a word to be found only in the dictionary of fools.

Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)

In a cat's eyes, all things belong to cats.

English Proverb

In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time.

Edward P. Tryon

In any closet, you can find it, if it is too small, or out of style, or there is just one of it where there should be two. I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it.

Anonymous English Professor

In my end is my beginning.

T. S. Eliot (1888-1965)

In my family, the biggest sin was to buy retail.

Woody Allen (1935- )

In my opinion nothing occurs contrary to nature except the impossible, and that never occurs.

Galileo Galilei , in 1638

In preparing for battle I have always found that plans are useless, but planning is indispensable.

Dwight D. Eisenhower

In short, the habits we form from childhood make no small difference, but rather they make all the difference.

Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)

In skating over thin ice, our safety is in our speed.

Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular.

Kathy Norris

In Switzerland they had brotherly love, five hundred years of democracy and peace, and what did they produce? The cuckoo clock!

Orson Welles

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

Douglas Adams

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In the course of your work, you will from time to time encounter the situation where the facts and the theory do not coincide. In such circumstances, young gentlemen, it is my earnest advice to respect the facts.

Igor Stravinsky (1882-1971) , in a lecture to junior engineers

I'm not Jacko, I'm Jackson... 'Wacko Jacko' - Where did that come from? Some English tabloid. I have a heart and I have feelings. I feel that when you do that to me, it's not nice.

Michael Jackson , in an interview on ABC News programme 20/20

I'm not the public.

Lauren Bacall , on being told that a store was not open to the public

I'm worried that the universe will soon need replacing. It's not holding a charge.

Edward Chilton

Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.

Jules de Gaultier

If you haven't all the things you want, be grateful for the things you don't have that you wouldn't want.


If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Alice Roosevelt Longworth (1884-1980)

If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.

Katherine Hepburn

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

Mark Twain (1835-1910)

If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it.


If you suck on a tit the movie gets an R rating. If you hack the tit off with an axe it will be PG.

Jack Nicholson , Actor

If you think before you speak the other guy gets its joke in first.


If you want a thing done well, do it yourself.

Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)

If you want to be happy, be.

Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910)

If you want to commit suicide you can use my razor; it's electric, but you can hang yourself with the cord.

Haythum R. Khalid

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

Carl Sagan

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If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Henny Youngman

I'll moider da bum.

Heavyweight boxer Tony Galento , when asked what he thought of William Shakespeare

I'll play with it first and tell you what it is later.

Miles Davis

I'll sleep when I'm dead.

Warren Zevon

Illusions commend themselves to us because they save us pain and allow us to enjoy pleasure instead. We must therefore accept it without complaint when they sometimes collide with a bit of reality against which they are dashed to pieces.

Sigmund Freud

If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z, X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.

Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

If a man does his best, what else is there?

George S. Patton, General (1885-1945)

If a man insisted always on being serious, and never allowed himself a bit of fun and relaxation, he would go mad or become unstable without knowing it.


If a man is considered guilty for what goes on in his mind, give me the electric chair for all my future crimes.

Artist formerly known as Prince

If a person wants to be atheistic it's his God-given right to be an atheist.

Michael Patton

If a place needs helicopters, it's probably not worth visiting.

Nick Lappos

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

Steven Wright

If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.

John Kenneth Galbraith

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.

Paul Beatty

If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.


If I had kept my mouth shut, I wouldn't be here.

Sign under a mounted fish

If I had my life to live over again, I'd be a plumber.

Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

If I had to choose a religion, the sun as the universal giver of life would be my god.

Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)

If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself.

Mickey Mantle

If I seem to give a damn, please tell me. I would hate to be giving the wrong impression.

Haythum R. Khalid

If I'd known it was going to be a classic, I would have paid attention.

Julius Epstein , Screen writer of Casablanca

If it keeps up, man will atrophy all his limbs but the push-button finger

Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)

If it takes a lot of words to say what you have in mind, give it more thought.

Dennis Roch

If it were weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

Rodney Dangerfield

If it's a woman, it's caustic; if it's a man, it's authoritative.

Barbara Walters

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing pole.

Doug Larson

If people really liked to work, we'd still be plowing the land with sticks and transporting goods on our backs.

Eilliam Feather

If pleasures are greatest in anticipation, just remember that this is also true of trouble.

Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915)

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Will Rogers (1879-1935)

If the king's english was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me!

Ma Ferguson , Former Governor of Texas

If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9 times out of ten it will.

Paul Harvey

If we do not find anything very pleasant, at least we shall find something new.

Voltaire (1694-1778)

If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.

J. Danforth Quayle

If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score?

Vince Lombardi

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

Aristotle Onassis (1906-1975)

If you are going to do something wrong at least enjoy it.

Leo Rosten

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hands.


If you believe that, I've got some land I want to sell you.

Bill Clinton , after golfer Greg Norman told reporters that the president was beating him in a golf game in Sydney

If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless manner, you have learned how to live.

Lin Yutang

If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.

Virginia Woolf

If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.

Ogden Nash