'Contrariwise', continued Tweedledee, 'if it was so, it might be, and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!'

Lewis Carroll - Alice in Wonderland

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

Wilson Mizner (1876-1933)

Despite the high cost of living it remains a popular item.

Anonymous

Do you spell it with a "V" or a "W"?' inquired the judge. 'That depends upon the taste and fancy of the speller, my Lord'....

Charles Dickens (1812-1870)

Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?

Groucho Marx (1895-1977)

Doctors are the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.

Anton Chekhov

Don't be afraid to take big steps. You can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.

David Lloyd George

Don't ever become a pessimist, Ira; a pessimist is correct oftener than an optimist, but an optimist has more fun--and neither can stop the march of events.

Robert A. Heinlein - Time Enough For Love

Don't let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.

John Wooden

Don't mistake pleasure for happiness. They're a different breed of dog.

Josh Billings

Don't play dumb. You're not as good at it as I am.

Colonel Flagg - MASH

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

Steve Bluestone

Disclaimer: If anyone disagrees with anything I say, I am quite prepared to not only retract it, but also to deny under oath I ever said it.

T. Lehrer

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.

Ambrose Redmoon

Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't.

Margaret Thatcher

Believe me! The secret of reaping the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest enjoyment from life is to live dangerously!

Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.

Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

Anonymous

Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.

Kin Hubbard

Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.

Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914) - The Devil's Dictionary, 1911

Buffalo Bill was a good fellow, and while he was no great shakes as a scout, we had to hand it to him, because he was the only one that had brains enough to make that Wild West stuff pay money.

Teddy Blue Abbott , who worked as a cowboy for Buffalo Bill in his pre-show-business days in the West

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Steven Wright

Believe those who are seeking the truth; doubt those who find it.

Andre Gide

Belladonna: In Italian, a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison.

Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914) - The Devil's Dictionary, 1911

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs.

Christopher Hampton

Beauty is excrescence, superabundance, random ebullience, and sheer delightful waste to be enjoyed in its own right.

Donald Culross Peattie - An Almanac for Moderns

Beauty without grace is the hook without the bait.

Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times.

Rita Rudner

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Groucho Marx (1895-1977)

Being a hero is about the shortest-lived profession on earth.

Will Rogers (1879-1935)

Anyone who isn't confused really doesn't understand the situation.

Edward R. Murrow

Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.

P. J. O'Rourke

Art is a collaboration between God an the artist, and the less the artist does the better.

Andre Gide

Art is either plagiarism or revolution.

Paul Guaguin

Art is not a handicraft, it is the transmission of feeling the artist has experienced.

Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910)

As a mother, I know that homosexuals cannot biologically reproduce children; therefore, they must recruit our children.

Anita Bryant

As for the virtuous poor, one can pity them, of course, but one cannot possibly admire them.

Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.

Dick Cavett

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case of divorce and so will my wife.

Groucho Marx (1895-1977)

Attention to health is life greatest hindrance.

Plato (427-347 B.C.)

Be advised that all flatterers live at the expense of those who listen to them.

Jean de La Fontaine

Be aware that a halo has to fall only a few inches to be a noose.

Dan McKinnon

Bureaucrats: they are dead at 30 and buried at 60. They are like custard pies; you can't nail them to a wall

Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)

Can build plane...Delivery about three months.

Donald Hall , Chief engineer, Ryan Airlines, to Charles Lindberg's request for feasibility of the airplane later known as "The Spirit of St. Louis"

Captain is a good travelling name and so I take it.

George Farquhar

Chaos often breeds life, when order breeds habit.

Henry Brooks Adams

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Philander Johnson

Cinema should make you forget you are sitting in a theater.

Roman Polanski

Civilization is a progress from an indefinite, incoherent homogeneity toward a definite, coherent heterogeneity.

Herbert Spencer - First Principles

Claremore, Oklahoma is just waiting for a high tension line so they can go ahead with locating an airport.

Will Rogers (1879-1935)

Communication with an engineer is only slightly more difficult than communication with the dead.

Lorren 'Rus' Stiles, Sr.

Confusion now hath made his masterpiece!

William Shakespeare - Macbeth

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Steven Wright

Death is nothing, but to live defeated and inglorious is to die daily.

Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)

Defeat is not the worst of failures. Not to have tried is the true failure.

George E. Woodberry

Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

Anonymous

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?

Anonymous

Do not condemn the judgement of another because it differs from your own. You may both be wrong.

Dandemis

Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same.

George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Do not quench your inspiration and your imagination; do not become the slave of your model.

Vincent van Gogh

Do not write so that you can be understood, write so that you cannot be misunderstood.

Epictetus

Do what you feel in your heart to be right, for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Eleanor Roosevelt