Ask a 'biblical christian', "How did kangaroos get on the ark?"
You Might Be a Red Neck .. if you've ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
the Orkin man tells you "Give up you've lost" you can take your bra off while driving.
you might be a redneck if you are allowed to bring your dog to work. people hunt in your front yard.
Laughter the Best Medicine|
you might be a redneck if you've ever vacationed in a rest area.
your belt buckle is bigger than your head.
you think paprika is a third-world country.
you refer to the fifth grade as "my senior year".
your checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.
your muffler is held on by a coat hanger.
going to the bathroom in the of middle of the night requires shoes and a flashlight.
Yo momma so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.
you might be a redneck if bikers back down from your mama
you might be a redneck if your bicycle has a gun rack.
you might be a redneck if after removing the empty beer cans from your car you find you get fifteen more miles to the gallon.
you might be a redneck if directions to your house include "turn off the paved road"
you might be a redneck if you wet the bed and four other people immediately know it.
you actually know what kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.
you might be a redneck if your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has a opening on the lube rack.
you might be a redneck if the neighbors have ever asked to borrow the light bulb.
you might be a redneck if your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
you might be a redneck if your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
you might be a redneck if you have a rag for a gas cap.
you might be a redneck if you hold a frog and it worries about getting warts.
you might be a redneck you have to take the entire day off to get your teeth cleaned.
you might be a redneck you've ever lost your wife in a poker game.
you might be a redneck you offer to give somebody the shirt off your back and they don't want it..
Next to a dog .. a beautiful woman is the thing to be.
Two dogs sniff over to a parking meter. One of them woofs to the other, "How do you like that? Pay toilets!"
you take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree at the corner.
Instructions on how to record Satellite Radio on your Satellite TV DVR / Tivo
you have more than 10 ceramic statues in your front yard.
you can burp the entire chorus of "Jingle Bells".
you give away more free puppies than the Humane Society.
your screen door has no screen.
your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
you prefer car keys to Q-tips.
you take a fishing pole into Sea World.
you've ever shot someone over a mall parking space.
people are scared to touch your bathrobe.
you've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
your car has never had a full tank of gas.
your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
you've ever been fired from a construction job due to your appearance.
A young ventriloquist is touring the Southeast and stops to entertain in a bar in Arkansas. He's going through his usual stupid redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says threateningly, "I've heard just about enough of your smartass hillbilly jokes -- we ain't all stupid here in Arkansas!"
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy interrupts him and says, "You stay out of this mister -- I'm talking to the smartass little fella on your knee!"
Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the decision maker
Q: WHAT SHOULD U GIVE A MAN WHO HAS EVERYTHING?
A: A WOMAN TO SHOW HIM HOW TO WORK IT
The following article was taken from the Arkansas Democrat Gazette, July 25, 1996:
Two Local Men Injured in Freak Truck Accident
Cotton Patch, Ark. Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning.
Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip.
On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on east-bound toward the White River bridge.
After traveling approximately twenty miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right exiting the pavement and striking a tree.
Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgury to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his nuts off or we might both be dead" stated Wallis.
"I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened", said Snyder.
Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck.
You might be a redneck if...
You ever cut your grass and found a car.
You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in."
You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.
Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language.
Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home with the kids."
Birds are attracted to your beard.
Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
You clean your fingernails with a stick.
Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
There are more than five McDonald's bags currently in the floorboard of your car.
The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
You're considered an expert on worm beds.
Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
You've ever bought a used cap.
Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
You pick your teeth from a catalog.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
You've ever stolen toilet paper.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
You think the French Riviera is foreign car.
You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.
Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.
You own a denim leisure suit.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.
You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a BIGOT.
You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm.
You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, "For a good time call..."
You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.
Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while your at work.
After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles.
Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
All of your four letter words are two syllables.
You've ever been too drunk to fish.
You cut your toenails in front of company.
You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.
You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You call your boss "dude".
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You have grease under your toenails.
You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.
You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.
Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
When asked for I.D. you show them your belt buckle.
Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
Your wife's hair-do was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your father walks you to school because you're both in the same grade.
Your father encourages you to quit school because uncle Larry has an opening at the "Lube Rack".
You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
Anyone in your family has ever worn a tube-top to a wedding.
Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help him take off the wheels and skirt it.
You consider a six-pack and a bug zapper to be quality entertainment.
Your front porch collapses and it kills more than three dogs.
Your family tree doesn't fork.
Directions to your house include the phrase "turn off the paved road".
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you're at bingo.
You prominently display the gift you got at Graceland.
You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You've been to a funeral where there were more pick-ups than cars.
Jack Daniels makes your most admired list.
You have only one more hole to be punched in your card to get a freebie at the "House of Tattoos".
You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight.
If your brother and sister get divorced...from each other.
If your wife asks you to fix the furniture...and you use any of the following: a) Duct Tape; b) Welding torch; c) any sticky bodily fluids.
If at least one door on your car is a different color from the rest of the car.
If you have any major appliance on your front porch.
If you smoked during your wedding.
If you can belch and say your name at the same time.
If your most profound statements begin with "I tell you what ..."
If you have a confederate flag for a bedroom curtain.
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