Laughter .. The Best Medicine

 Laughter the Best Medicine        Quote Me!

Q. Why did the aerobics instructor cross the road?

A. Someone on the other side could still walk

You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.

Why don't elephants ride bicycles?
 

One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a football game. Smiling the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance, I have Montana, Swann, Bronco, LT, Lou the Toe and all the greatest players up here".

"Yes", snickered the Devil, "but I have all the referees."

Q. What do the Pope and John Elway have in common?

A. They have both packed Mile High Stadium with everyone on their feet saying "Jesus Christ".

Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a well-mannered professional torturer?

A. The torturer would apologize first.

Q. What do aerobics instructors and people who make bacon have in common?

A. They both tear hams into shreds.

Q. How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Four!...Three!...Two!...One!

Q. An ethical lawyer, an honest politician, and a merciful aerobics instructor all fall out of an airplane. Which one hits the ground first?

A. It doesn't matter - none of them exist.

Q. What do you call an aerobics instructor who doesn't cause pain & agony?

A. Unemployed.

Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a dentist?

A. A dentist lets you sit down while he hurts you.

Q. How do you call an American in the finals of the world cup?

A. "Hey Beer Man!"

Q. What do you call an Englishman in the finals of the world cup?

A. The Referee

Q. What do you call a coach with a mortgage?

A. Optimistic.

When you come right down to it all you have is yourself. The sun is a thousand rays in your belly. All the rest is nothing. ~ Pablo Picasso (1881-1973)

Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself.~ William Faulkner

Sometimes it's a little better to travel than to arrive.~ Robert M. Pirsig - Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.~ John F. Kennedy (1917-1963) , when asked what is his favorite song

Whether outwardly or inwardly, whether in space or time, the farther we penetrate the unknown, the vaster and more marvelous it becomes. ~ Charles A. Lindbergh - Autobiography of Values

Remember, Information is not knowledge; Knowledge is not Wisdom; Wisdom is not truth; Truth is not beauty; Beauty is not love ~ Frank Zappa

Q. What's the difference between a skydiver and a golfer?

A. A golfer goes "[WHACK] ... Oh shit!".

A skydiver goes "Oh shit! ... [WHACK]"

 farmer dies and goes to hell. While down there the Devil notices that a farmer is not suffering like the rest. He checks the gauges and sees that it's 90 degrees and about 80 percent humidity. So the Devil goes over to the farmer and asks why he's so happy. The farmer says, "I like it here, the temperature is just like plowing my fields in June."

The Devil isn't happy with the farmer's answer, so he goes over and turns up the temperature to 100 degrees and the humidity to 90 percent.

After turning everything up he goes looking for the farmer. He finds him standing around just as happy as can be. The Devil quizzes the farmer again as to why he's so happy. The farmer says, "This is even better, it's like pulling weeds in the fields during July."

The Devil, now upset, decides to really make the farmer suffer, so he turns the heat up to 120 degrees and the humidity to 100 percent.

Once again, he goes looking for the farmer, and finds him sitting on the floor -- even happier than before! The farmer turns to the Devil and says, "This is great, it's just like working in the silo with my friends in August."

The Devil says, "That's it, I'll get this farmer." He goes over and turns the temperature down to 25 degrees and sets the weather control to SNOW. "Lets see what the farmer has to say about THIS."

A little while later, the Devil finds the farmer -- only NOW he's jumping up and down for joy and yelling, "The Cardinals have finally won the Super Bowl!" ( snow ball chance in hell.. )

 

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the goddamn ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Well, hell, man, you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

 

A woman playing golf was stung by a bee. Afraid she'd have an allergic reaction, she ran back to the clubhouse to find the pro.

Finding him, she says breathlessly, "I've been stung by a bee! What shall I do?"

"Where were you stung?" the pro asks.

"Between the first and second hole!"

"Lady, we gotta work on your stance."

 

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years ! ", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years ! "

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic !"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My God ! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there !"

 

Rich texans are fabled for their grand style but when one oil tycoon appeared at a local golf course followed by a servant pulling a foam-cushioned chaise- lounge, his opponents thought that was taking style too far.

"J.R., are you going to make that poor caddie lug that couch all over the course after you?" he was asked.

"Caddie, my eye," explained J.R. "That's my psychiatrist."

 

Q. What is the difference between a striker and a puppy?

A. Puppys eventually stop whining.

Q. Did you hear about the defender who locked his keys in his car?

A. It took them 2 hours to get the goalkeeper out.

Q. Why can't a gorilla play stopper?

A. A gorilla is too sensitive.

Q. How many goalkeepers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. What, is it like, dark, man?

Q. What do you call a skydiver with no arms and no legs?

A. Give up?.....It's Mark!!

Q. And what was the name of his dog??

A. It's Spot!

Q. How can you tell a good 4-way team from a bad 4-way team?

A. A good 4-way team going in sounds like "[WHACK]".

A bad 4-way team goes "[WHACK] ... [WHACK][WHACK] ... [WHACK]"

 

 

So ya know, I've been taking these kung-fu classes lately. I must say,they are great. Teach you how to be as powerful as a tiger, as quick as a monkey, as smart as a dragon. Why just the other day, these guys came up to me with a knife and demanded money. So, I turned into a chicken and ran!!!!!!

 

 

 

What do you do when your opponent claims to have found his ball in the rough and you know he's a liar because his ball is in your pocket?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two golfers were discussing a bill that Harry, the hospital administrator, had sent to Bill, a recent father.

"Harry, this is too much for the use of the delivery room. You know I didn't get my wife there in time and the baby was born on the hospital's front lawn."

Harry took the bill, crossed out the offending entry and substituted another. "Greens Fee," it read.